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美丽英文:上帝的笑-第9部分
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聪明人生 第三章（2）
“小点声！”父亲赶紧打断女儿，“你妈妈在隔壁。”
Wariness
A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said； “Dad； I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter。”
“Quiet！” retorted the father； “Your mother is in the next room！”
移植头发
一个秃头的人在一家美容店里坐了下来。
“您需要什么服务呢？”美容师问。
“我以前做过头发移植，”这个人解释道，“可是我忍受不了疼痛。假如你可以让我的头发像你的一样，却又不会给我带来什么不舒服的感觉，我就给你5000美圆。”
“没问题，”美容师说，于是，她很快剃光了自己的头发。
Hair Transplant
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop。
“How can I help you？” asked the stylist。
“I went for a hair transplant；” the guy explained；“but I couldn’t stand the pain。 If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any disfort； I will pay you 5000。”
“No problem；” said the stylist； and she quickly shaved her head。
泄漏秘密
一个没有经验的顾客第一次来到农贸市场。他看见在水芥摊上，有个男人把水芥一匣一匣地拿起来，翻来覆去地仔细端详着，最后还抖了两下。这个人迫切地想要学一点购物的窍门，便问他是否愿意泄漏一点他那奇怪行为的秘密。“没问题，”那个男人回答，“我在找我的汽车钥匙。”
Divulging the Secret
On his first visit to a produce market； an inexperienced shopper saw a man at the watercress stall systematically picking up each tiny carton of cress； peering closely at it； turning it upside down and finally shaking it。 Eager to learn something； the new shopper asked if the man would mind divulging the secret of his odd behavior。 “Not at all；” he replied。 “I’m looking for my car keys。”
第一次约会
和第一次约会的女友共度了整个晚上之后，男士连一分钟都难以忍受了。约会前，他就偷偷和朋友商量好了，一旦遇到这种状况，朋友就打电话给他，这样他就可以找到离开的借口了。
回来后，他垂下了眼睛，一脸沮丧地说： “我有一个坏消息，我的爷爷刚刚去世了。”
“感谢上帝，”女友回答道：“多亏你有坏消息，否则我就会有坏消息告诉你了。”
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening； the man couldn’t take another minute with her。 Earlier； he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened。
When he returned to the table； he lowered his eyes； put on a grim expression and said；“I have some bad news。 My grandfather just died。 ”
“Thank heavens；” his date replied。 “If yours hadn’t； mine would have had to！”
当敌兵袭击你时
警官正在给他的连队上一堂战斗课，他问：“约瑟，假如你看到有700名敌兵正朝你冲过来，你会怎么办？“
约瑟说：“我会用我的枪打死他们。”
警官问：“你看到你的右方有400名敌兵正向你扑过来，你会怎么办？”
约瑟说：“我会用我的枪打死他们。”
警官继续说：“很好，约瑟，你注意到你的左方有1；000名敌兵正直冲你奔来，你会怎么办？”
约瑟又回答：“我会用我的枪打死他们。”
警官大叫：“稍等，约瑟，你是从哪里得到这些子弹的？” 。 想看书来
聪明人生 第三章（3）
士兵笑了笑，说道：“您在同一个地方从哪里把这些敌兵调集来的呢？”
When Enemy Soldiers e at You
The first sergeant was holding a class on bat for his pany。 He said；“Jose； what would you do if you saw 700 enemy soldiers ing at you？”
Jose said；“I would shoot them all with my rifle。”
The sergeant asked；“On the fight you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at you。 What would you do？”
Jose said；“I would shoot them with my rifle。”
The sergeant continued； “Okay！ On your left； Jose； you notice 1；000 enemy soldiers heading straight at you。 What would you do？”
Jose answered。“I would shoot them all with my rifle。”
The sergeant yelled；“Just a minute； Jose。 Where are you getting all those bullets？”
The soldier smiled and said； “Where are you getting all those enemy soldiers in the same place？”
四减四等于几
一天，老师问彼德：“四减四等于几？”彼德结结巴巴地答不上来。老师生气地说：“你可真笨！你想想，假如我在你的口袋里放四个硬币，可你的口袋里有个窟窿，结果四个硬币都漏掉了。那么，你的口袋里还剩下什么？”“窟窿。”彼德答道。
4…4=？
One day； the teacher inquired Peter：“How much is four minus four？” Peter was tongue…tied。 The teacher got angry and said：“What a fool！ You see； if I put four coins in your pocket； but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out； now what is left in your pocket？”“ The hole；” replied Peter。
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聪明人生 第四章（1）
大自然的一件糟糕的作品
惠斯勒为一位知名人士画完肖像后，问那个人是否喜欢。
“不，我不能说我喜欢它，惠斯勒先生。你不得不承认这是一件差劲的艺术作品。” “对，”惠斯勒透过自己的单片眼镜看着对方，回答道，“可是您也要承认，您是大自然的一件糟糕的作品。”
A Bad Work of Nature
When Whistler had finished a portrait or a well…known celebrity； he asked him whether he liked it。
“No； I can’t say I do； Mr。 Whistler； and you must really admit it’s a bad work of art。”
“Yes；” replied the artist； looking at his sitter through his monocle； “but then you must admit that you are a bad work of nature。”
拿破仑病了
杰克就读于一所大学的历史系。可是第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及格，学校督促他退学。杰克的父亲决定亲自去见教授，强烈要求杰克继续明年的学业。
“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说：“您若是让他通过考试，我相信他明年会取得很大的进步，学期结束时，他一定会取得好成绩的。”
“不，不，不会的，”教授马上回答。“你知不知道？上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”
“先生，请原谅他一次吧。”杰克的父亲说，“您不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订任何报纸。我们全家人甚至连拿破仑病了都不知道。”
Napoleon Was Ill
Jack had gone to the university to study history； but at the end of his first year； his history professor failed him in his examinations； and he was told that he would have to leave the university。 However； his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year。
“He’s a good boy；” said Jack’s father；“and if you let him pass this time； I’m sure he’ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well。”
“No； no； that’s quite impossible；” replied the professor immediately。 “Do you know； last month I asked him when Napoleon had died； he didn’t know！”
“Please； sir； give him another chance；” said Jack’s father。“You see； I’m afraid we don’t take any newspaper in our house； so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill。”
绳子还是公牛
在监狱里，一个人问新来的犯人是什么原因被关进来的。新来的犯人回答说：“我觉得自己真是倒霉极了。几天前，我走在街上，看见地上有一根脏绳子。我原以为没人要了，便顺手捡起来带回了家。”
“可是捡一根绳子带回家根本不犯法啊！”
“我告诉过你我倒霉吧？”那个人叹了一口气，说道，“麻烦的就是，我没有看到绳子的那一头还有一头公牛。”
Rope or Ox
The man in the prison asked a new er why he was sent there。 The new er answered：“I am out of luck； I think。 A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of dirty rope。 I thought nobody wanted it and so I picked it up and took it home。”
“But it is not against the law to pick up a piece of rope and take home！”
“I told you I had bad luck； didn’t I？” the man sighed；“The trouble is that I didn’t notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope。”
聪明人生 第四章（2）
休 假
汤姆不喜欢上学，总是找借口不去。如果他打喷嚏，他就让妈妈写个纸条说自己感冒了。如果他头痛，他就在上课时间，叫妈妈带他去看病。他待在家里的时间远比在学校的时间多。在他真正去上学的日子里，他会编造借口早点回家。
一天早上，刚上了一半课，他就从学校回来了。看到他回来，他的爸爸很惊讶，便问道：“你今天回来得这么早，学校放学了吗？”
“没有，爸爸，”汤姆说，“还没到放学的时间呢，我先回来了。”
“你怎么会提前回来呢？”爸爸问，“你跟老师怎么说的？”
“我告诉她我有了一个小弟弟，我得回家帮你。”
“可你的妈妈生了一对双胞眙，”爸爸说，“一个男孩，一个女孩。你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹。”
“是的，我知道，爸爸，”汤姆说，“等下个星期，我再说我有了个小妹妹。”
A Holiday from School
Tommy hated school and was always looking for excuses not to go。 If he sneezed； he asked his mother to write a note saying he had a cold。 If he had a headache； he asked his mother to take him to the doctor during school hours。 He spent more time at home than he did at schoo1。 On the days that he did go to school； he looked for excuses to e home early。
One morning he came home when the lessons were only half finished。
His father was surprised。
“You’ve e home early；” he said； “Is the school closed today？”
“No； Dad；” Tommy said； “It’s open。 I came home early。”
“How did you do that？” his father asked him； “What did you say to the teacher？”
“I told her that I had a new baby brother and that I had to e home and help you。”
“But your mother has had twins；” his father said； “a boy and a girl。 You’ve got a baby brother and a baby sister。”
“Yes； I know； Dad；” Tommy said； “I’m saving up my baby sister for next week。”
导盲犬
一个盲人领着一只导盲犬站在十字路口处等着过马路。就在这个时候，导盲犬把腿一抬，开始往主人身上撒尿。这个盲人十分平静地从口袋里拿出了一块饼干给狗吃。一个过路人刚好看到了这一切，很不解地说：“你的脾气真好，尤其是那只狗都做了这样的事情，你还给它饼干吃。”
“事实并非如此。”盲人回答说，“我只是想弄清楚它的嘴在哪里，这样一来，我就可以踢它的屁股了。”
Guide Dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg； then urinated on its owner。 Calmly； the blind man reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog。 A passerby who’d seen everything remarked：“That’s extremely tolerant of you； especially after what he just did。”
“Not really；” came the reply。 “I’m just finding out where his mouth is； so I can kick him in the nuts。”
五百遍
在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭上，一位年轻的女士因为闯红灯而被出示罚单，最后被带到了法官面前。女士向法官解释说自己是一名老师。为了可以赶回去上课，她请求法官尽快解决她的案子。法官闪过一丝狡黠的眼光。说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我要立刻达成我毕生的心愿。坐在那张桌子旁，抄写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”
Five Hundred Times
In the traffic court of a large mid…western city； a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light。 She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes。 A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye。 “You are a school teacher； eh？” said he。 “Madam； I shall realize my lifelong ambition。 Sit down at that table and write ‘I went through a red light five hundred times。’”
聪明人生 第四章（3）
他的答案只比正确答案多二
杰克·霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练。他总是试图物色优秀的球员，但是优秀球员的成绩往往很差，得不到学校的认可。
有一天，教练领着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，恳请院方同意他免试入学。经过教练的一番劝说后，院长说：“我最好先问他几个问题。”
校长转向学生，问了几个特别容易的问题。而那个学生什么都不会。
最后，院长说：“那么，5乘以7等于多少？”
学生想了很久之后，回答说：“36。”
院长摊开双手，绝望地看了看教练。可是教练十分诚恳地说：“噢，录取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正确答案多2。”
He Was Only Wrong by Two
Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an American college； and he was always trying to find good players； but they weren’t always smart enough to be accepted by the college。
One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination。 “Well；” the dean said after some persuasion。 “I’d better ask him a few questions first。”
Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions； but the student didn’t know any of the answers。
At last the dean said； “Well； what’s five times seven？”
The student thought for a long time and then answered； “Thirty…six。”
The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair； but the coach said earnestly； “Oh； please let him in； sir！ He was only wrong by two。”
真正的算命先生
米尔格鲁姆在机场等待登机的时候，注意到了一个电脑秤，它既能称体重又能算命。他把一个两毛五的硬币丢进电脑秤的一个小孔里，电脑屏幕上显示出这样一行字：“你的体�
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