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horribly　maimed。　Her　old　friend　Blair　would　take　time　out　from　her　
busy　life　with　her　doting　husband；　Nate；　to　feed　Elephant　Girl　
Serena　mashed　pears　and　tell　her　all　about　the　parties　she　and　Nate　
had　been　to。　Serena　would　grunt　and　fart　in　response；　but　


charitable　Blair　wouldn’t　mind。　It　was　the　least　she　could　do。　
Everyone　would　call　her　Saint　Blair；　and　she　would　win　awards　for　
her　golden　heart。　

Just　before　midnight；　the　taxi　pulled　up　at　994　Fifth　Avenue。　Across　
the　street；　the　steps　of　the　Metropolitan　Museum　of　Art　were　
deserted；　glowing　eerily　white　in　the　light　of　the　streetlamps。　
Serena　stepped　out　of　the　cab　and　waved　to　Roland；　the　old　night　
doorman；　who　was　dozing　just　inside　the　lobby。　The　door　to　the　
apartment　building　opened；　but　it　wasn’t　Roland　who　opened　it。　It　
was　Nate。　
“Nate！”　Serena　squealed；　genuinely　surprised。　“Hey；　could　you　loan　
me　five　bucks？　I　haven’t　got　enough　cash。　Usually　the　doorman　
helps　me　out；　but　I　guess　he’s　asleep。”　
Nate　pulled　a　wad　of　bills　out　of　his　pocket　and　gave　some　to　the　
taxi　driver。　He　put　his　finger　to　his　lips　and　crept　up　to　the　front　door　
of　the　building。　Then　he　knocked　loudly　on　the　glass　door。　“Hello？”　
he　shouted。　
“Oh；　Nate；”　Serena　laughed。　“You　are　so　mean！”　
Roland　snapped　his　eyes　open　and　nearly　fell　off　his　chair。　Then　he　
opened　the　door　for　them；　and　Serena　and　Nate　ran　inside　and　rode　
the　elevator　up　to　Serena’s　apartment。　
Serena　led　the　way　to　her　room　and　sat　down　heavily　on　the　bed。　
“Did　you　get　my　message？”　she　yawned　at　Nate；　pulling　off　her　
boots。　“I　thought　you’d　e　out　tonight。”　
“I　couldn’t；”　Nate　said。　He　picked　up　the　little　glass　ballerina　
perched　on　top　of　Serena’s　mahogany　jewelry　chest。　She　had　the　
tiniest　toes；　like　little　pinpoints。　He’d　forgotten　about　her。　
“Well；　it　wasn’t　worth　it　anyway；”　Serena　sighed。　She　lay　down　on　
the　bed。　“I　am　so　tired；”　she　said。　She　patted　the　bed　next　to　her　
and　slid　over　to　give　Nate　room。　“e　lie　down　and　tell　me　a　
bedtime　story？”　
Nate　put　the　ballerina　down　and　swallowed。　Breathing　in　the　scent　
of　Serena’s　room　with　Serena　in　it　made　his　heart　hurt。　He　lay　down　
next　to　her；　their　bodies　touching。　Nate　put　his　arm　around　Serena　
and　she　kissed　his　cheek；　snuggling　in　close。　
“I　was　just　over　at　Blair’s；”　Nate　said。　
But　Serena　didn’t　answer。　She　was　breathing　steadily。　Maybe　she　
was　already　asleep。　
Nate　lay　still；　with　his　eyes　open　wide；　his　mind　racing。　He　
wondered　if　he　and　Blair　were　officially　broken　up　now。　He　wondered　
if　he　kissed　Serena　right　now；　full　on　the　lips　and　told　her　he　loved　
her；　how　she’d　respond。　He　wondered　if　he’d　just　gone　ahead　and　
had　sex　with　Blair　if　everything　would　have　been　all　right。　


Nate　cast　his　eyes　around　the　room；　taking　in　all　the　familiar　well…
loved　objects　that　he’d　grown　up　seeing　and　forgotten　all　about。　
The　kilt…wearing　teddy　bear　from　Scotland　that　sat　aristocratically　
on　Serena’s　little　dressing　table。　The　big　mahogany　armoire　with　its　
drawers　half　open　and　all　her　clothes　spilling　out　of　it。　The　little　
brown　burn　mark　he’d　made　in　ninth　grade　on　the　white　canopy　
hanging　from　her　bed。　
On　the　floor　by　the　door　was　Serena’s　red　velvet　bag。　The　contents　
had　spilled　out　of　it。　A　blue　pack　of　Gauloise　cigarettes。　A　twenty…
dollar　bill。　An　Amex　card。　And　a　navy　blue　scarf　with　the　letters　C。B。　
stitched　on　it　in　gold。　
Why　had　she　needed　to　borrow　money　from　him　when　she　had　
twenty　dollars　with　her？　Nate　wondered。　And　what　the　hell　was　she　
doing　with　Chuck　Bass’s　scarf？　
Nate　turned　over　on　his　side　and　Serena　moaned　softly　as　her　head　
rolled　back　on　the　pillow。　He　studied　her　critically。　She　was　so　
beautiful　and　sexy　and　trusting；　and　so　full　of　surprises。　It　was　hard　
to　believe　she　was　actually　for　real。　
Serena　reached　up　and　put　her　arms　around　Nate’s　neck；　pulling　
him　toward　her。　
“e　on；”　she　murmured；　her　eyes　still　closed。　“Sleep　with　me。”　
Nate’s　whole　body　tensed。　He　didn’t　know　if　Serena　meant　just　go　
to　sleep　or　sleep　with　her；　but　he　was　definitely　aroused。　Any　boy　in　
his　right　mind　would　be；　which　is　exactly　what　turned　Nate　off。　
There　was　something　so　careless　about　the　way　Serena　had　said　it。　
Nate　suddenly　had　no　trouble　imagining　her　doing　the　things　he’d　
heard　she’d　done。　With　Serena；　anything　was　possible。　
A　glitter　of　silver　caught　his　eye。　It　was　the　tiny　silver　box　Serena　
kept　on　her　bedside　table；　full　of　her　baby　teeth。　Every　time　he　
came　over；　Nate　used　to　open　up　the　velvet…lined　box　to　see　if　all　
the　teeth　were　still　there。　But　not　this　time。　From　the　look　of　things；　
Serena　wasn’t　the　same　little　girl　who’d　lost　all　those　teeth。　
Nate　pulled　away　from　her　and　stood　up。　He　snatched　up　Chuck’s　
scarf　and　tossed　it　on　the　bed；　not　noticing　that　it　was　streaked　with　
vomit。　And　then；　without　even　looking　at　Serena　again；　he　left；　
slamming　the　door　behind　him。　
Chicken。　
At　the　sound　of　the　door　closing　Serena　opened　her　eyes　and　
breathed　in　the　scent　of　her　own　barf。　Gagging；　she　threw　the　
covers　back　and　ran　to　the　bathroom。　She　clutched　the　rim　of　her　
white　porcelain　sink　and　heaved　into　it；　her　sides　hurting　with　the　
effort。　Nothing　came　out。　Serena　turned　on　the　shower　as　hot　as　it　
would　go　and　pulled　her　clammy　Pucci　dress　over　her　head；　
dropping　it　on　the　floor。　All　she　needed　was　a　good　hot　shower　and　


a　little　exfoliant。　
Tomorrow　she’d　be　good　as　new。　


Disclaimer：　All　the　real　names　of　places；　people；　and　events　havebeen　altered　or　abbreviated　to　protect　the　innocent。　Namely；　me。

hey　people！

THE　VIRGIN　ISSUE　

Can　you　believe　N？　He　was　thisclose　to　getting　a　nice　slice　of　B　pie；　
if　you　know　what　I　mean。　I　guess　we’re　supposed　to　admire　his　self…
control；　his　ability　to　keep　the　old　hot　dog　in　the　bun。　But　I　bet　B　
really　wouldn’t　have　minded　too　much　if　N　had　just　kept　his　mouth　
shut　and　got　on　with　it　instead　of　getting　all　moral　on　her　and　telling　
her　all　about　his　time　with　S。　I　mean；　who’s　B　going　to　lose　it　to　
now？　
I　was　wrong　about　boys。　I　always　thought　they’d　do　anything　to　bag　
a　virgin。　I　mean；　I　thought　N　would　like　the　idea　that　B　has　never　
done　it。　But　he　doesn’t　seem　to　care　about　that　at　all。　All　it　does　is　
make　having　sex　with　her　this　huge　thing　that　he　can’t　deal　with　
without　smoking　a　big　fattie　and　downing　half　a　bottle　of　JD。　So　
disappointing。　
Not　that　he　was　too　quick　to　jump　S’s　bones　either；　and　we　all　know　
she’s　no　virgin。　
Maybe　N　just　has　high　moral　standards。　
Ooh；　that　makes　me　like　him　even　more。　

Your　E…mail　

Hey　gossip　girl；i　saw　S　go　upstairs　with　some　dude　at　the　Tribeca　
Star。　she　was　wasted。　i　was　kind　of　tempted　to　knock　on　the　door　
and　see　if　there　was　a　party　going　on　or　s/t；　but　i　chickened　out。　i　
just　wanted　your　advice。　do　you　think　she’d　do　me？　i　mean；　she　
looks　pretty　easy。—Coop　

Dear　Coop；　If　you’re　the　type　of　guy　who　has　to　ask；　then　probably　
not。　S　may　be　a　ho；　but　she　has　excellent　taste。　—GG

Sightings

Just　one：　N　at　the　burrito　place　on　Lexington；　chatting　up　the　cute　
girl　behind　the　counter。　She　gave　him　extra　guacamole　for　free。　
Yeah；　I　bet　she　did。　
You　know　you　love　me；　


“Dan；”　Jenny　whispered；　poking　at　her　brother’s　chest。　“Wake　up。”　
Dan　flung　his　hand　over　his　eyes　and　kicked　at　his　sheets。　“Go　
away。　It’s　Saturday；”　he　mumbled。　
“Please　get　up；”　Jenny　whined。　She　sat　down　on　the　bed；　poking　
him　repeatedly　until　he　removed　his　arm　to　glare　at　her。　



“What’s　your　problem？”　Dan　said。　“Leave　me　alone。”　
“No；”　Jenny　insisted。　“We　have　to　go　shopping。”　
“Right；”　Dan　said。　He　rolled　over；　turning　his　head　toward　the　wall。　
“Please；　Dan。　I　have　to　get　a　dress　for　the　party　on　Friday　and　you　
have　to　help　me。　Dad　gave　me　his　credit　card。　He　said　you　could　
get　a　tux；　too。”　Jenny　giggled。　“Since　we’re　turning　out　to　be　the　
type　of　spoiled　rotten　kids　that　will　need　tuxes　and　dresses　and　all　
that　crap。”　
Dan　rolled　over。　“I’m　not　going　to　that　party；”　he　said。　
“Shut　up。　Yes　you　are。　You’re　going　and　you’re　going　to　meet　Serena　
and　dance　with　her。　I’ll　introduce　you。　She’s　totally　cool；”　Jenny　
burbled　happily。　
“No；”　Dan　said　stubbornly。　
“Well；　you　can　at　least　help　me　pick　out　a　dress；”　Jenny　pouted。　
“Because　I’m　going。　And　I　want　to　look　nice。”　
“Can’t　Dad　go　with　you？”　Dan　asked。　
“Yeah；　right。　I　said　I　wanted　to　look　nice；”　Jenny　scoffed。　“You　know　
what　Dad　told　me？　He　said；　‘Go　to　Sears；　it’s　the　proletarian
department　store。’　Whatever　that　means。　I　don’t　even　know　where　
Sears　is；　if　it　even　exists　anymore。　Anyway；　I　want　to　go　to　Barneys。　
I　can’t　believe　I’ve　never　even　been　there。　I　bet　people　like　Serena　
van　der　Woodsen　and　Blair　Waldorf　go　there；　like；　every　day。”　
Dan　sat　up　and　yawned　loudly。　Jenny　was　all　dressed　and　ready　to　
go；　with　her　curly　hair　pulled　back　into　a　ponytail。　She　even　had　her　
jacket　and　shoes　on。　She　looked　so　cute　and　eager；　it　was　kind　of　
hard　to　say　no。　
“You’re　such　a　pain　in　my　ass；”　Dan　said；　standing　up　and　stumbling　
toward　the　bathroom。　
“You　know　you　love　me；”　Jenny　called　after　him。　


As　far　as　Dan　was　concerned；　Barneys　was　full　of　assholes；　down　to　
the　dude　who　opened　the　door　for　him；　smiling　in　the　cheesiest　way　
possible。　But　Jenny　loved　it；　and　even　though　she　had　never　been　
there；　she　seemed　to　know　everything　about　the　place。　She　knew　
not　to　bother　with　the　lower　floors；　which　were　full　of　designer　
clothes　she　could　never　afford；　and　headed　straight　to　the　top　floor　
Co…op。　And　when　the　elevator　doors　rolled　open；　she　felt　like　she　
had　died　and　gone　to　heaven。　There　were　so　many　beautiful　
dresses　hanging　on　the　racks　it　made　her　salivate　to　look　at　them。　
She　wanted　to　try　them　all　on；　but　of　course　she　couldn’t。　
When　you’re　a　34D；　you’re　kind　of　limited。　And　you　definitely　need　
help。　
“Dan；　will　you　go　ask　that　woman　to　help　me　find　this　in　my　size；”　
Jenny　whispered；　fingering　a　purple　velvet　empire…waist　sheath　with　



beaded　straps。　She　pulled　out　the　price　tag。　Six　hundred　bucks。　
“Jesus　Christ！”　Dan　said；　looking　at　the　price　over　her　shoulder。　“No　
way。”　
“I’m　just　trying　it　on　for　fun；”　Jenny　insisted。　“I　won’t　buy　it。”　She　
held　the　dress　up　to　herself。　The　bodice　would　barely　cover　her　
nipples。　Jenny　sighed　and　put　the　dress　back　on　the　rack。　“Would　
you　please　ask　that　lady　if　she’ll　help　me？”　she　repeated。　
“Why　can’t　you　ask？”　Dan　said。　He　shoved　his　hands　in　his　
corduroys　and　leaned　against　a　wooden　hat　rack。　
“Please？”　Jenny　said。　
“Fine。”　
Dan　strode　over　to　a　haggard　looking　woman　with　frosted　blond　
hair。　She　looked　like　she’d　been　working　in　department　stores　her　
entire　life；　only　taking　one　vacation　a　year　in　Atlantic　City；　New　
Jersey。　Dan　imagined　her　chain…smoking　Virginia　Slims　down　on　the　
boardwalk；　worrying　about　how　the　girls　back　at　the　store　were　
managing　without　her。　
“Can　I　help　you；　young　man？”　the　woman　asked　him。　Her　name　tag　
said　“Maureen。”　
Dan　smiled。　“Hello。　Do　you　think　you　could　help　my　sister　find　a　
nice　dress？　She’s　over　there。”　He　pointed　at　Jenny；　who　was　
studying　the　price　tag　of　a　red　silk　wraparound　with　ruffles　on　the　
sleeves。　Jenny　had　taken　off　her　jacket　and　was　wearing　a　white　T…
shirt。　Dan　could　not　deny　it。　Her　boobs　were　really　huge。　
“Yes；　of　course；”　Maureen　said；　striding　purposefully　toward　Jenny。　
Dan　stayed　where　he　was；　glancing　around　the　room　and　feeling　
pletely　out　of　place。　Behind　him；　he　heard　a　familiar　voice。　
“I　look　like　a　nun；　Mom；　I　swear。　It’s　just　pletely　wrong。”　
“Oh；　Serena；”　another　voice　said。　“I　think　it’s　darling。　What　if　you　
just　unbutton　the　collar　a　bit。　There。　See？　It’s　very　Jackie　O。”　
Dan　spun　around。　A　tall；　middle…aged　woman　with　Serena’s　coloring　
was　standing　half　in；　half　out　of　a　curtained　dressing　room。　The　
curtain　was　slightly　parted；　and　Dan　could　just　see　a　bit　of　Serena’s　
hair；　her　collarbone；　her　bare　feet；　the　toenails　painted　dark　red。　His　
cheeks　burned；　and　he　bolted　for　the　elevator。　
“Hey　Dan；　where’re　you　going？”　J