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to　her　cat。　If　only　she　could　lie　there　until　late　August　and　then　be　helicoptered　to　her　new　dorm　
room　at　Yale；　skipping　all　the　bad　parts　in　the　script　of　the　movie　that　was　her　life；　the　parts　that　
needed　to　be　rewritten。　

Out　of　habit；　she　reached　out　and　punched　the　playback　button　on　the　answering　machine　on　her　
bedside　table；　keeping　her　eyes　closed　as　she　listened。　


？Hello；　Blair；　it？s　Owen。　Owen　Wells。　Sorry　I　couldn？t　call　earlier。　What　happened？　I　woke　up　
and　you　were　gone。　Anyway；　Happy　Valentine？s　Day；　gorgeous。　Call　me　back　when　you　have　a　
moment。　Bye…bye。？　

？Hello；　Blair；　it？s　Owen　again。　Did　you　get　my　flowers？　I　hope　you　like　them。　Call　me　back　
when　you　have　a　moment。　Thanks。　？Bye。？　

？Hello；　Blair。　I　know　it？s　short　notice；　but　would　you　like　to　have　dinner　with　me？　Um；　this　is　
Owen　by　the　way。　Plans　on　the　home　front　have　changed　and　I？m　all　freed　up。　So　how　？bout　Le　
Cirque　this　evening；　gorgeous？　Give　me　a　call。？　

？Hello；　Blair。　I　got　a　table　at　Le　Cirque？？　Blair　kicked　her　answering　machine　off　the　bedside　
table　and　it　came　unplugged。　She　didn？t　care　that　Owen　had　the　sexiest　voice　and　was　the　best　
kisser　in　all　of　New　York。　She　couldn？t　play　Audrey　to　his　Cary　anymore；　not　when　Cary　had　
turned　out　to　be　a　lying；　cheating；　son…of…a…bitch；　scumbagdad　。　She　didn？t　even　care　if　Owen　told　
Yale　she　was　a　stupid　flake　who　wouldn？t　last　more　than　two　weeks　there。　Fuck　Owen；　and　fuck　
Yale。　

She　grabbed　her　phone　and　dialed　Owen？s　cell　phone　number。　It　was　the　only　number　he？d　given　
her；　probably　because　it　was　the　only　phone　he　could　be　sure　of　answering　himself。　

？Blair？？　Owen　answered　eagerly　on　the　first　ring。　？Where　have　you　been？　I？ve　been　trying　to　get　
ahold　of　you　all　day！？　

？In　high　school？？　Blair　shot　back。　？I　know　it　was　a　long　time　ago　for　you；　but　it？s　this　place　
where　you　go　during　the　week　where　they　teach　you　stuff。　I？m　only　home　now　because　I？m　not　
feeling　well。？　

？Oh。　I　guess　you？re　not　up　for　dinner　then？？　

Owen？s　voice　didn？t　sound　nearly　as　sexy　now　that　she　knew　what　a　plete　asshole　he　was。　
Blair　walked　over　to　the　full…length　mirror　on　the　back　of　her　closet　door　and　examined　her　hair。　It　
already　looked　a　little　longer。　Maybe　it　wouldn？t　take　that　long　to　grow　back。　Or　maybe　she？d　cut　
it　even　shorter。　She　pulled　her　hair　back　severely　from　her　forehead　to　see　what　it　would　look　like　
supershort。　

？I　know　your　daughter；？　she　hissed　into　the　phone　as　she　walked　over　to　her　dresser　and　dug　
around　in　the　top　drawer　until　she　found　the　little　pair　of　silver　antique　sewing　scissors　she？d　
inherited　from　her　grandmother　and　never　had　much　use　for。　

　？B…Blair？；？　Owen　stammered。　

？Fuck　off。？　Blair　clicked　off　the　phone　and　threw　it　onto　her　bed。　Then；　grabbing　a　handful　of　
hair；　she　began　to　hack　away　with　the　tiny　silver　sewing　scissors。　


Good…bye；　Audrey　Hepburn；　hello　Mia　Farrow　inRosemary？s　Baby　！　

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ABC　Amber　LIT　Converter　v2。02　
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Disclaimer：　All　the　real　names　of　places；　people；　and　events　have　been　altered　or　abbreviated　to　
protect　the　innocent。　Namely；　me。　

　hey　people！　

The　least　painful　way　to　say　good…bye　

Sad　but　true；　the　reality　of　Valentine？s　Day　is　that　it　makes　demands　on　relationships　that　those　
relationships　may　not　be　able　to　handle。　What　do　you　do　when　you　both　know　it？s　over　and　you　
just　want　to　move　on　so　you　can　start　maxing　out　your　credit　cards　on　presents　for　yourself　instead　
of　for　someone　else？　In　my　vast　experience　with　painless　breakups；　the　less　you　say　the　better。　
Don？t　hash　things　out。　A　simple　gesture　means　so　much　more。　An　invitation　to　do　something　？with　
the　gang？　instead　of　alone　together。　A　tender　kiss　on　the　cheek。　A　good…bye　wave。　And　don？t　you　
dare　return　any　gifts。　They？re　yours！　Keep　？em。　

One　thing　you　may　not　have　realized　about　me　

Iam　real。　That　means　I　have　a　birthday。　Next　Monday　I　turn　eighteen　and　I？m　having　a　party　and　
you？re　all　invited。　I　know　what　you？re　thinking；　it？sMonday　。　But　really；　what　else　have　you　got　
to　do　on　a　Monday　night？　Your　Latin　homework？　A　do…it…yourself　facial？　Plus；　the　week　willfly　by　
afterwards；　I　promise。　

When？Monday；　9P。M。　till　dawn。　

Where？Gnome。　Don？t　worry　if　you？ve　never　heard　of　it。　No　one　has。　It？s　a　brand…spanking…new　
club　on　Bond　Street　celebrating　its　opening　night　with　my　party。　Isn？t　that　sweet？　

What　to　bring？Yourself；　your　most　beautiful　friends；　and　of　course；a　present　！　

　Sightings　

Babsent　from　school　for　the　second　day　in　a　row。D　waiting　around　in　the　lobby　of　thePlaza　Hotel　
looking　nervous　in　his　spiffy　new　Agn？s　B。　suit。S　at　theLes　Best　atelier　trying　on　a　gorgeous　
sunflower　yellow　dress　for　a　photo　shoot。J　riding　the　Seventy…ninth　Street　crosstown　bus　back　and　


forth　through　the　park　forhours　。A　playing　guitar　on　the　train　back　from　Scarsdale；　where　he？s　
been　hiding　out　for　days。N　jogging　around　Central　Park？so　much　clean　living　gives　a　boy　energy！　
Your　e…mail　
Q：？　？　Dear　Gossip　Girl；　
I　kissed　a　girl　（I？m　a　girl　too）　but　I　didn？t　mean　anything　by　it。　Actually；　there？s　a　boy　I　like。　
What　should　I　say　to　this　girl　without　hurting　her　feelings；　because　she？s　my　friend？　
？doubletrouble　
A：？　？　Dear　double；　

I？ve　never　been　a　big　believer　in　the　theory　that　kissing　someone　is　a　promise　you　won？t　kiss　
anyone　else。　Kissing　is　fun。　Why　limit　yourself　to　just　one　kissee？　The　trick　is　telling　the　person　
you？re　just　having　fun；　you？re　not　planning　to　get　married　or　anything。　

BTW；　it？s　best　to　do　thisbefore　you　kiss　them；　not　after。　
？GG　
Q：？　？　Dear　GG；　
I？m　stuck　in　rehab　and　I？m　allowed　to　log　onto　the　Web　but　certain　e…mail　accounts　are　blocked　


so　I　can？t　send　a　message　to　this　boy　I？m　hung　up　on　and　miss　so　much。　He　even　sent　me　roses！　
Luckily　I　can　get　on　your　site　so　I　can　tell　the　world　that　I？m　in　love。　Maybe　when　I　get　out　of　
here　we　can　have　a　drink　to　celebrate。　It？s　on　me。　

　？rehab　babe　
A：？　？　Dear　babe；　
Instead　of　us　having　a　drink　when　you　get　out；　you　should　start　a　site　of　your　own。　Or　write　a　

book。　Just　a　suggestion。　
？GG　
Don？t　forget　my　party？wish　list　to　e！　
You　know　you　love　me。　
gossip　girl　


lifestyles　of　the　rich　and　famous　

Wednesday　after　school　Dan　stood　in　the　lobby　of　the　Plaza　Hotel；　fiddling　with　the　collar　of　his　
new　black　Agn？s　B。　suit　jacket　and　clutching　the　small　red　leather…bound　book　Mystery　had　given　
him　for　Valentine？s　Day。　He？d　been　to　the　Plaza　only　once　before；　when　he　and　Vanessa　had　been　
in　Central　Park　filming　ice　skaters　and　she？d　had　to　use　the　bathroom。　Even　in　his　fancy　new　suit　
he　felt　out　of　place　in　such　sumptuous　surroundings。　

He？d　better　get　used　to　it。　After　all；　he　was　about　to　bee　a　very　famous　author　who　had　tea　
with　his　agent　in　fancy　hotels　on　a　regular　basis。　

Pauper　in　a　mirrored　castle；he　thought；　forming　the　beginnings　of　a　poem。　

？Daniel！？　Dan　heard　Rusty　Klein　shout　from　across　the　room。　This　time　she　was　wearing　her　red　
wig　in　fat　braids　on　either　side　of　her　head；　and　her　immense；　six…foot…plus　frame　was　cloaked　in　
an　unusual　black　Japanese　geisha　robe　dotted　with　tiny　white　flowers　and　paired　with　tall；　black　
suede　stiletto　boots？as　if　she　wasn？t　already　tall　enough。　Mystery　stood　at　her　side　looking　like　a　
starved　ghost　in　a　tattered　plum…colored　wrap　dress　and　worn　brown　leather　boots。　Her　collarbone　
stuck　out　from　her　skinny　frame　like　an　airplane　wing；　and　her　lips　were　so　chapped；　they　were　
pletely　white。　

Skeleton　princess　drifts　out　on　a　ray　of　dust。　

？Hey；？　Dan　greeted　them　casually；　as　if　he　always　hung　out　at　the　Plaza　after　school。　Inside　his　
white　Agn？s　B。　shirt　the　silver　gravity　pen　Mystery　had　given　him　beat　against　his　pale　
chest。　？Thank　you　for　the　gifts。？　

Rusty　swept　him　up　in　a　big　bear　hug；　suffocating　him　with　her　rank　oily…fish　perfume　and　
smudging　his　cheek　with　orangey…pink　lipstick。　？Mystery　and　I　hadtoo　much　fun　shopping　for　you；　
darling！　We　had　toforce　ourselves　to　stop。？　

Mystery　ran　her　tongue　over　her　yellow　teeth。　？We？ve　been　drinking　martinis　and　deconstructing　
Kafka　like　two　old　ninnies；？　she　croaked；　sounding　drunk　and　looking　like　she　hadn？t　slept　in　
weeks。　She　blinked　her　sleepy　gray　eyes。　？Now　that　you？re　here　I　can　eat。　You　starve　me。？　

Bones　draped　in　moth　wings　sewn　with　cobwebs。　

？This　way；？　Rusty　chortled；　ignoring　Mystery？s　odd　pronouncement。　She　ushered　them　through　
the　immense　lobby　and　into　a　large　tearoom　full　of　gilded　mirrors；　tinkling　crystal；　and　overly　
perfumed　ladies　with　freshly　blown…out　hair。　The　round；　white…clothed　table　had　been　laid　with　a　
silver　tea　service　and　a　three…tiered　silver　tray　covered　with　freshly　baked　scones；　pots　of　


homemade　jam；　and　tiny　cucumber　sandwiches　with　the　crusts　cut　off。　Two　half…empty　martini　
glasses　stood　on　the　table；　ready　to　be　polished　off。　

？We？ve　been　having　a　little　party　to　celebrate　Mystery？s　debut；？　Rusty　explained　merrily。　She　sat　
down　and　tossed　back　the　remains　of　her　drink。　

The　queen　of　poesy　gives　a　tempting　tug。　

Dan　sat　down　next　to　her　and　put　his　red　leather　book　on　the　table。　？What　debut？？　

Rusty　grabbed　a　blueberry　scone　and　slathered　it　with　butter；　shoving　the　whole　thing　into　her　
enormous　orangey…pink　mouth；　where　it　disappeared　instantly。　？Good；　you　brought　your　
observations　book。　Have　you　been　writing　everything　down？　Remember；　nothing　is　
inconsequential！？　She　winked　at　Mystery。　？Who　knows？　It　could　all　add　up　to　a　book！？　

Mystery　giggled　and　glanced　at　Dan。　？I　finished　my　novel；？　she　confided　huskily。　

House　on　fire！　House　on　fire！　

Dan　rubbed　his　thumb　over　the　tines　of　his　fork；　as　he　absorbed　the　information。　Mystery　had　
finished　writing　an　entire　novel　in　less　than　a　week　and　all　he？d　done　was　write　one　crappy　
Valentine？s　Day　poem　for　Vanessa。　He　couldn？t　even　bear　to　read　Vanessa？s　response　after　he？d　
sent　the　poem　to　her；　that　was　how　badly　it　sucked。　

？But　I　thought　you？d　just　started　it；？　he　said；　feeling　weirdly　betrayed。　

？I　had。　But　Sunday　night　I　fell　off　the　plateau　and　kept　gathering　momentum；　and　I　just　couldn？t　
stop　writing　until　I　finished。　I　e…mailed　it　to　Rusty　at　dawn　this　morning；　just　as　the　street　cleaners　
were　arriving。　She？s　already　read　the　whole　thing。　She　says　I？m　the　next　Virginia　Woolf！？　

？I　thought　you　were　the　next　Sylvia　Plath；？　Dan　accused　grumpily。　

Moth　princess　helps　herself　to　stolen　meat。　

Mystery　shrugged　her　thin　shoulders　and　poured　a　heaping　spoonful　of　sugar　into　her　martini；　
stirring　it　pensively　before　picking　up　the　glass　with　both　hands　and　taking　a　gulp。　

？Anyhoo；　let？s　talk　aboutyou　Dannyboy；？　Rusty　practically　shouted。　？Oh；　fuck　me。？　She　pulled　
her　hot　pink　cell　phone　out　of　her　purse；　pushed　a　few　buttons　and　held　it　up　to　her　ear。　？Hold　on；　
loves。　I　have　to　call　my　messages。？　

Dan　waited；　watching　Mystery　dunk　so　many　spoonfuls　of　sugar　into　her　drink　that　it　looked　less　
like　a　martini　and　more　like　a　slushy　from　7…Eleven。　He　hadn？t　noticed　before；　but　her　gnarly；　
gnawed…on　fingernails　were　as　yellow　as　her　teeth。　


Rusty　tossed　her　cell　phone　into　the　middle　of　the　table。　？I　think　you　should　write　a　memoir；？　she　
told　Dan；　reaching　for　another　scone　and　breaking　it　in　half。　？Memoir　of　a　Young　Poet。　I　love　it！？　
she　shouted。　？You？re　the　next　Rilke！？　

The　queen　of　clowns　pulls　a　pink　rabbit　out　of　her　hair。　

Dan　tugged　on　the　gravity　pen。　He　wanted　to　write　down　something　about　Mystery？s　yellow　
fingernails　in　his　observation　book　and　how　surprising　it　was　that　he　wasn？t　turned　off　by　them。　In　
fact；　they　turned　himon　。　

？But　how　can　I　write　a　memoir　when　all　I　do　is　go　to　high　school？？　he　argued　
miserably。　？Nothing　big　has　ever　happened　to　me。？　He　reached　for　the　teapot　with　trembling　
hands　and　poured　warm；　fragrant　Earl　Grey　tea　into　his　white　teacup。　Ah；caffeine　。　

Rusty　tapped　the　cover　of　his　observation　book　with　her　long；　orangey…pink　fingernails。　？Small　
things；　darling。　Small　things。　And　you　might　want　to　think　about　putting　off　college　and　writing　
for　a　year　or　two；　just　like　Mystery。？　She　wiped　her　mouth　with　a　white　cloth　napkin；　smear