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？Can　you　just　bill　Lord　Marcus？？　Blair　asked；　irritated。　？He？s　handling　the　whole　thing。？　
？I　see；？　nodded　the　concierge；　making　a　note　in　her　little　leather　notebook。　？And　will　his　


Lordship　be　visiting　soon？　We？ll　need　him　to　sign。？　

？I？m　not　sure；？　admitted　Blair。　She　was　on　her　way　to　set　up　the　perfect　romantic　
evening？lingerie；　champagne；　the　whole　thing？but　technically　she　hadn？t　spoken　to　him　all　day；　so　
he　didn？t　even　know　that　they　had　a　date。　

？Well；　I？m　afraid　we？re　going　to　need　to　schedule　a　time　for　his　Lordship　to　drop　by　and　sign　the　

papers；？　the　concierge　replied　firmly。　

？Fine；？　snapped　Blair。　？I？ll　figure　out　a　time。？　

A　group　of　Italian　tourists　meandered　by；　randomly　snapping　pictures　of　Blair　while　she　fumed。　

？Well；　Miss　。　。　。？

　？Waldorf；？she　repeated。　

？Miss　Waldorf；　we？ll　need　to　have　that　signature　on　the　bill　by　tomorrow；　or　I？m　afraid　we？re　

going　to　have　to　release　the　suite。　Wedo　have　an　interested　party。？　

？Fine；？　Blair　replied　icily。　？I？ll　call　him　right　now。？　Blair　dug　out　her　telephone　and　selected　the　
only　number　in　her　speed　dial。　Lord　Marcus？s　phone　rang　and；　as　she　could　have　predicted；　there　
was　no　answer。　She　opted　not　to　leave　a　message。　She？d　already　left　three　that　day。　She　didn？t　

want　him　to　think　she　was　insane。　

Like　buying　a　wedding　dress　is　sane？　

？He？s　not　answering；？　Blair　informed　the　concierge。　？He？s　very　busy　at　work　right　now；　but　I？m　

sure　I？ll　hear　from　him　tonight。　I？ll　arrange　for　him　to　e　by　and　settle　the　whole　matter；　
okay？？　

It　had　only　been　a　few　days；　but　Blair　had　already　lapsed　into　a　Madonna…like　English　accent；　
clipping　certain　consonants　and　using　phrases　like　？the　whole　matter。？　

？That？s　fine。？　The　concierge　nodded。　？Just　do　remember　that　he？ll　have　to　sign　the　bill　by　
tomorrow　or　we？ll　be　obliged　to　release　the　room。　I　do　hope　he？ll　find　a　moment　to　get　away　from　
his　wife　and　e　by。？　


？Excuse　me？？　Blair　demanded。　

？I？m　sorry？？　the　concierge　replied　snottily。　

？What。　Did。　You。　Say？？　Blair　could　feel　the　tips　of　her　ears　glowing　red　with　fury。　For　a　moment　
she　forgot　about　the　dress　waiting　for　her　upstairs　in　her　luxurious　suite。　She　forgot　about　the　maid；　
who　would　happily　mix　Blair　whatever　drink　she　requested　as　soon　as　she　walked　in。　She　forgot　
about　the　inroom　massage　she？d　been　itching　for。　She　forgot　about　Paris。　

？I　believe　I　said；　I　hope　he？ll　find　a　moment　to　get　away　from　his　life　and　e　by；？　the　
concierge　answered　sweetly。　

？You　did　not；？　Blair　whispered　tightly；　leaning　across　the　counter；　her　voice　very　quiet。　？You　
saidwife　。？　

？I？m　sure　you　misunderstood；？　the　concierge　replied。　

？Well；　I？m　sureyou　misunderstood！？　Blair　shouted。　She　had　never　been　shy。　？I　heard　what　you　
said。？　

？Yes；　ma？am。　Of　course。　I？ll　just　need　to　have　his　Lordship　pop　by　to　sign　the　papers　and　the　
matter　will　be　settled。？　

？He？s　not　married。　She？s　hiscousin　；？　Blair　went　on。　？And　I？m　his　girlfriend。？　She　was　
practically　shouting。　On　the　other　side　of　the　lobby　the　Italians　turned　to　look。　

The　concierge　blushed　deeply。　？If　we　can　just　keep　our　voices　down。？　

？Fuck　that。？　Blair　had　had　it　with　England；　with　everyone？s　polite　prattle；　with　the　British　
insistence　on　quiet　dignity。　Blair　wasn？t　interested　in　quiet　or　in　dignity。　Fuck　this　bitch；　fuck　
Britain；　fuck　Lord　Marcus　and　fuck　his　horsey　cousin　Camilla。　She　suddenly　wanted　nothing　more　
than　to　be　home。　？You　know　what？　I　don？t　want　the　room。　I　want　you　to　call　British　fucking　
Airways　and　book　me　a　ticket　immediately。　One　way；　first　class。　To　New　York。？　Blair　dug　into　her　
bag　and　found　her　black　American　Express　card；　which　she　tossed　onto　the　desk　angrily。　

？One　way　to　New　York；　first　class；？　repeated　the　concierge。　？Virgin　has　flights　at　eleven　daily。　
I？ll　see　if　we　can　get　you　a　seat。？　

Virgin。　How　appropriate。　Not。　

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ABC　Amber　LIT　Converter　v2。02　
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Disclaimer：　All　the　real　names　of　places；　people；　and　events　have　been　altered　or　abbreviated　to　
protect　the　innocent。　Namely；　me。　

　hey　people！　

I？m　sure　some　of　you　have　seen　it；　and　I　bet　you　couldn？tbelieve　it　any　more　than　I　could。　There　
I　was；　happily　traipsingdown　Madison　Avenue；　in　search　of　some　new　washed…cottonbeach　
cover…ups　when　what　do　I　see？　The　worst　sign　ever：Closed。　Closed？　It？s　not　what　you　think　
though：　it　seems　thatBarneys？　creative　director　and　dandy…about…town；　GrahamOliver；　is　besties　
with　a　certain　fashion…inept　indie　auteur　andagreed　to　close　up　shop　for　a　few　days　so　the　cameras　
can　roll。　

I　just　hope　they　reopen　on　schedule：　the　word　is　a　certain　star…let？s　debut　performance　might　
need　a　bit　of　tweaking。　Things　areso　grim；　in　fact；　they？re　shooting　every　scene　she　doesn？t　
appearin　first；　in　hopes　that　all　her　practice　finally　makes　perfect。　

Now　that　Barneys　is　closed　for　a　while；　I？m　thinking　of　leavingtown　for　good？no　more　of　this　
popping　back　and　forth　oncharter　jets　and　helicopters。　I　know　I　said　that　things　don？t　getcooking　
in　the　Hamptons　for　a　while；　yet？I　usually　wait　until　theFourth　of　July　to　hunker　down　for　the　
season？but　I？ve　beengetting　reports　about　some　intriguing　activity　out　on　the　island。　Imight　have　
to　check　it　out　myself。　It？s　so　hard　to　be　me：　howcan　I　be　in　two　places？or　three　or　four　or　five？at　
once？　Notthat　I？ve　ever　had　a　problem　with　it　before。　

summer　survival　guide　

I？m　not　going　to　name　names？unusual　for　me；　I　know？butthere　are　plenty　of　repeat　offenders　out　
there。　So　as　a　refresher　course；　here？s　everything　you　need　to　know　about：　

　1）　Tanning　

Obviously；　the　real　thing　is　best。　If　Mother　Nature　isn？t　plying；　airbrushing　is　acceptable；　but　
remember；　whether　poolside　or　in　that　little　spray　chamber；　you　must　go　naked：　tan　lines　are　a　
turn…off。　And　remember　to　wax　two　days　before　and　exfoliate！　Your　streaks　and　splotches　aren？t　
fooling　anyone。　

　2）　Brows　

For　starters；　you　know　you？re　supposed　to　have　two；　right？　Now　put　down　the　tweezers。　No；　
throw　them　away。　Go　see　my　friend　Reese　at　Bergdorf？s　ASAP。　And　I　don？t　want　to　hear　any　
plaining　about　how　it？s　45　per　brow。

　3）　Waxing　

It？s　bathing　suit　season；　so　landscaping　isn？t　optional。　If　you？re　going　to　be　wearing　that　Eres　


bikini；　we？re　all　going　to　get　a　show。　Personally；　I　endorse　the　traditional　Brazilian　（no　pain；　no　
gain）。　And　while　I？ve　been　known　to　opt　for　a　precious　little　Swarovski　crystal　appliqu？　tattoo；　
there　really　is　no　need　to　gild　the　lily；　is　there？

　your　e…mail　

Q：　
Dear　GG；　
I　heard　there？s　a　pretty　racy　film　making　the　rounds　on　theInternet；　and　it　proves　that　a　certain　
someone　has　been　ina　movie　before。　It　was　shot　on　location　in　Central　Park；with　that　stud　N。　Her　
hair　looks　kind　of　brown　and　curly；but　it？s　got　to　be　S；　right？　
？Cineaste

　A：　
Dear　Cineaste；　
You？re　going　to　have　to　get　your　facts　straight：　there　was　a　movie；　from；　like；　a　year　ago；　and　no　
one　involved　in　that　production　has　anything　to　do　with　what？s　filming　here　right　now。　That　
well…endowed　star　is　off　making　art？and　who　knows　what　else？in　Prague。　Au　revoir！　
？GG　

Q：　
Dear　GG；　

There？s　this　really　annoying　girl　in　my　yoga　class？I？m　just　trying　to　get　in　shape　and　keep　busy　
while　my　best　friend　is　at；　like；　art　camp　in　Prague　for　the　summer？but　she？s　always　going　on　
about　how　yoga　is　a　？way　of　life。？　Anyway；　after　class　the　other　day　she　was　gushing　to　the　
teacher　about　some　new　？spiritual　book　lover；？　crush　and　he　sounded　suspiciously　like　someone　I　
know？only　not。　Like　his　evil　twin。　Or　his　good　twin。　Anyway；　I？m　confused。　Are　there　pod　people　
in　town　replacing　everyone　with　clones　or　what？

　？Scared

　A：　
Dear　Scared；　
This　is　an　intriguing　development。　I　doubt　it？s　aliens；　though？sometimes　it？s　nice　to　just　enjoy　a　

little　summer　fantasy。　Haven？t　you　ever　pretended　to　be　someone　you　weren？t　on　vacation？　Try　it　
sometime：　check　into　your　hotel　as　the　Principessa　de　Medici　or　something　like　that；　and　don？t　be　
surprised　if　management　sends　up　an　enormous　fruit　basket　or　some　Dom　Perignon。　Stretching　the　
truth　sometimes　has　its　merits。　

　？GG　

　sightings　

B　paying　an　excess…baggage　fee　at　the　Virgin　counter　at　Heathrow。　Souvenirs　for　friends　and　
loved　ones；　or　was　it　that　oversize　wedding　dress　garment　bag？　N　picking　up　a　few　staples；　like　
Visine　and　condoms；　at　White？s　Pharmacy　in　East　Hampton。　D　enjoying　a　very　healthy　fourveggie　
smoothie　at　Soho　Natural。　Maybe　he？s　shaping　up　for　swimsuit　season？　S　might　want　to　take　a　
page　from　his　book？after　sneaking　out　of　rehearsal　early；　she　headed　straight　to　the　Tuleh　sample　
sale　near　F。I。T。　and　then　made　a　not…so…brief　pit　stop　at　Cold　Stone　Creamery。　Now；　now：　looking　
like　a　star　is　half　the　work！　Not　that　she　ever　has　to　worry。　

You　know　you　love　me。　

　gossip　girl　

a　little　bird　told　me。　。　。　。　

？Nate　Archibald。　I　can？t　believe　my　eyes。？　

？Hey；　Chuck；？　muttered　Nate。　On　his　way　home　that　afternoon；　he？d　noticed　his　front　tire　was　a　
little　low　on　air；　so　he？d　pulled　into　the　BP　station　on　Springs　Road。　It　had　been　an　incredibly　hot　
day；　the　kind　of　day　with　no　ocean　breeze　to　break　up　the　haze；　so　Nate？s　hours　of　backbreaking　
labor　had　left　him　sweaty；　sunburned；　and　exhausted。　Judging　from　the　horrified　look　on　Chuck　
Bass？s　smooth；　naturally　tanned　face；　Nate　figured　he　must　look　pretty　terrible。　

　That？s　a　first。　

？Whathappened　to　you？？　gasped　Chuck。　He　pulled　his　vintage　Ray…Ban　aviators　down　the　length　
of　his　nose　and　handed　the　gas　station　attendant　a　fifty…dollar　bill。　？Keep　the　change。？　

？Nothing　happened；　man；？　Nate　responded；　annoyed。　He　removed　the　hose　from　his　tire　and　
bounced　the　bike　up　and　down　to　check　the　pressure。　

Despite　the　thick　heat；　Chuck　Bass　was　wearing　madras　board　shorts　and　a　gray　cashmere　hoodie。　
He　looked　as　perfectly　primped　as　usual；　his　thick　eyebrows　arched　tidily　above　his　piercing　


brown　eyes；　his　aftershave…mercial…handsome　square　chin　shaved　smooth。　He　extended　a　hand　
to　help　Nate　to　his　feet。　

？Given　up　on　cars？？　Chuck　asked；　nodding　at　Nate？s　bike。　？Don？t　tell　me　you？ve　gone　green　on　
us。？　

？Yeah。？　Nate　looked　hopefully　toward　the　tastefully　gray…shingled　BP　gas　station　for　someone　to　
save　him　from　Chuck。　

？Let　me　give　you　a　ride。？　Chuck　rattled　the　ice　in　the　plastic　cup　of　chilled　mocha　latte　that　he？d　
drained。　？It？s　a　hundred　degrees　out　and　you　look　like　you？ve　been　through　hell。　I　don？t　want　to　
imagine　how　you？ll　look　after　riding　all　the　way　back　to　Georgica　Pond　on　that　bike。？　

Nate　weighed　his　options：　half　an　hour　sweating　versus　ten　minutes　alone　with　Chuck　Bass？　

Damned　if　you　do；　damned　if　you　don？t。　

？Let？s　go。？　Nate　sighed。　The　thought　of　Chuck？s　air…conditioned　dove　gray　Jag　was　too　hard　to　
resist。　

Chuck　unlocked　the　car？s　trunk　and　Nate　stuffed　the　bike　into　it？he　wasn？t　sure　it　would　fit；　but　
the　trunk　was　surprisingly　big　and　they　were　able　to　rig　it　so　only　the　tip　of　the　tire　poked　through。　
Nate　slid　onto　the　white　leather　seat　and　slammed　the　heavy　door；　fastening　his　seat　belt　and　
gearing　up　for　the　ride。　

Chuck　turned　on　the　ignition　and　the　car　immediately　flooded　with　cold　air　and　blared　
Zeppelin？s　？Houses　of　the　Holy。？　

？I？ve　been　lying　on　the　beach　in　Sag　Harbor　all　day；　feeling　retro；？　Chuck　explained；　turning　the　
volume　down。　？So　。　。　。　let？s　catch　up。？　

？Catch　up；？　echoed　Nate　blankly。　He　could　tell　from　Chuck？s　tone　of　voice　that　he　was　going　to　
launch　into　a　barrage　of　questions。　Talking　with　Chuck　was　like　having　a　job　interview。　

？I　assume　you　heard　about　Blair。？　Chuck　fiddled　with　the　air　conditioner；　even　though　it　was　
already　freezing。　He　pulled　out　onto　the　road　connecting　Hampton　Bays　to　East　Hampton；　which　
Nate　had　practically　memorized　by　now。　Wine…grape　fields　alternated　with　tasteful　Colonial…style；　
gray…shingled　houses；　and　occasionally　he　caught　a　glimpse　of　the　dark　blue　ocean　behind　
someone？s　backyard。　

？Blair？？　Nate　asked　as　they　passed　the　Oyster　Shack　on　the　left。　He？d　been　so　preoccupied　with　
Tawny；　even　saying　Blair？s　name　aloud　felt　weird。　She　was　off　in　England　for　the　summe