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ropes。　Ever　since　Eleanor　had　lost　all　her　baby　weight；　she？d　been　wearing　tacky　look…at…me　
outfits；　but　Blair　was　too　happy　to　be　annoyed　with　her　crazy　mother　tonight。　

Davita　Fjorde　strode　alongside　Eleanor；　wearing　a　black　Miu　Miu　minidress　and　hot　pink　satin　
Miu　Miu　peep…toe　platforms；　barking　orders　into　her　headset。　？No；　no；　no！？　she　hissed。　？Just　wash　
him　off　and　get　him　out　there　as　a　regular　waiter。Nonflammable　paint　only！　I　don？t　need　a　human　
torch　streaking　through　my　party！？　She　smiled　tightly　at　Eleanor　and　then　murmured　into　her　
headset；　？Okay；　photo　one；　you？re　up　once　we　find　Blair。？　Blair　knew　that　her　mom　and　Davita　
were　preparing　to　drag　her　off　somewhere　so　she　could　pose　for　some　god…awful　pictures　her　
mother　would　no　doubt　blow　up　so　large　you？d　be　able　to　see　every　one　of　Blair？s　pores。　

Knowing　they？d　be　separated　momentarily；　she　leaned　in　to　whisper　in　Nate？s　ear。　？Our　train　
leaves　at　10　A。M。　tomorrow　morning　from　Grand　Central；？　she　told　him　softly；　loving　the　smell　of　
Acqua　Di　Parma　on　his　skin？a　fresh；　lemony　scent　she　knew　he　only　used　on　special　occasions。　？I　
know　we　could　drive；　but　this　will　be　so　much　more　romantic！？　She　drew　back　and　smiled　sweetly　
up　at　him　again。　

Nate　had　never　seen　Blair　look　so　beautiful？or　so　happy。　Her　skin　was　golden　brown；　her　face　
rosy　against　her　bright　blue　dress。　The　diamond　studs　in　her　tiny　earlobes　shone　in　the　light。　
Across　the　room；　Serena　was　standing　at　the　bar；　wearing　a　long；　gauzy　silver　dress；　her　golden　
hair　falling　in　gleaming　tendrils　down　her　bare　back。　Her　face　was　in　profile；　and　her　features　were　
so　unbelievably　gorgeous　his　breath　caught　in　his　chest。　He　forced　himself　to　shift　his　attention　
back　to　Blair？his　beautiful　girlfriend；　still　wrapped　in　his　arms。　The　sight　of　her　glowing；　hopeful　
face　tore　at　his　heart。　Yale。　He　was　going　to　Yale。　He　should　have　been　ecstatic；　but　he　didn？t　
know　what　to　say　or　even　what　to　feel。　He　pulled　her　close　and　breathed　in　the　familiar　
honey…almond　scent　of　her　hair。　His　chest　felt　tight；　and　suddenly　it　was　hard　to　breathe。　Blair　
nestled　into　him　like　there　was　no　place　she？d　rather　be。　？I　love　you；？　he　whispered　into　her　hair；　
hoping　the　words　would　ground　him。　But　now；　more　than　ever　before；　Nate　felt　like　a　small　
wooden　dinghy　set　adrift。　


Better　start　rowing；　boy。　

a　yabba…dabba…doo　time；　we？ll　have　a　gay　ol？　time！　

Vanessa　Abrams　staggered　out　of　the　Humphreys？　living　room；　her　pale　arms　weighed　down　
with　piles　of　old　coffee…stained　newspapers。　Her　army　green　Triple　5　Soul　cargo　pants　were　rolled　
up　to　the　knees；　and　her　fitted　black　Old　Navy　wifebeater　was　soaked　in　sweat。？God。？　She　exhaled　
heavily　as　she　dumped　a　pile　of　decades…old　New　Yorkers　in　a　large　blue　recycling　bin；　exposing　
the　dusty　parquet　floor　beneath。　？It？s　amazing　these　piles　of　crap　haven？t　toppled　over　in　the　night；　
killing　us　in　our　sleep。？　

Dan　Humphrey　grunted　in　assent　as　he　walked　down　the　hall　to　the　kitchen　and　washed　out　his　
coffee…grit…encrusted　blue　plastic　Evergreen　mug　for　the　third　time　that　day。　He　wouldn？t　mind　
being　dead　right　about　now。　They？d　been　cleaning　out　the　Humphreys？　ramshackle；　grime…coated　
Upper　West　Side　apartment　for　a　grueling　two　hours；　but　it　felt　more　like　two　days。　Dan　just　
wasn？t　cut　out　for　hard　labor；　and　he　could　feel　the　heart　palpitations　ing　on。　At　least　if　he　died　
now；　he？d　die　young；　like　his　idol；　the　poet　John　Keats；　which　he　always　thought　was　sort　of　
romantic。　

They　could　bury　him　beneath　the　Strand；　a　copy　of　Baudelaire？sFleurs　du　Mal　over　his　ashen　
face。　Maybe　Vanessa　would　weep　dramatically　as　she　said　her　final　goodbyes。　Or　wait；　maybe　
Greg　would。　This　was　one　of　the　many　problems　with　recently　discovering　you　might　be　gay？it　
was　totally　unclear　whether　your　future　widower　would　be　your　longtime　ex…girlfriend　or　your　
newish…maybe…boyfriend。　

After　he　and　Dan　had　shared　a　semi…conscious　drunken　kiss　at　their　literary　salon　earlier　in　the　
summer；　Greg　seemed　to　have　decided　two　things：　that　Dan　was　gay；　and　that　they　were　a　couple。　
Dan　wasn？t　sure　how　he　felt　about　either　of　those　conclusions；　but　he　hadn？t　had　very　long　to　
think　about　it；　because　Greg？s　grandmother　had　passed　away　a　few　days　later；　and　Greg　had　left　
for　Phoenix　for　the　funeral　and　to　spend　time　with　his　extended　family。　He？d　been　gone　nearly　a　
month；　and　in　that　time　Greg　had　sent　Dan　dozens　of　beautifully　crafted　e…mails；　all　with　the　same　
theme：　absence　makes　the　heart　grow　fonder。　But　every　time　Dan　wrote　back；　he　wasn？t　sure　if　he　
was　growing　any　fonder　of　Greg　。　。　。　or　just　more　confused。　

Dan　tried　to　shake　his　uncertainty　away。　？I？m　going　to　keep　cleaning；？　he　announced　with　a　
sudden　surge　of　determination；　and　marched　into　the　living　room　with　the　purposeful　steps　of　a　
military　general。　

Dan　in　the　army？　Don？t　ask；　don？t　tell！　

？Be　my　guest；？　Vanessa　retorted　as　she　threw　another　huge　stack　of　newspapers　into　the　


recycling　bin。　？As　far　as　I？m　concerned；　it？s　a　lost　cause。？　Earlier　that　summer；　her　older　sister　
Ruby　had　returned　from　Europe　with　her　new　Czech　boyfriend；　Piotr；　in　tow　and　had　proceeded　to　
kick　Vanessa　out　of　the　cozy　Williamsburg　apartment　they？d　shared　for　the　last　three　years。　
Thanks；　sis！　Since　then；　Vanessa　had　been　living　in　Dan？s　sister　Jenny？s　room　while　Jenny　was　at　
art　school　in　Prague　for　the　summer。　Since　Dan　was　heading　to　Evergreen　College　in　Washington　
State　in　less　than　two　weeks　and　Jenny　would　be　off　to　boarding　school　in　upstate　New　York；　it　
looked　like　Vanessa　would　be　keeping　her　room　in　the　Humphreys？　apartment　when　she　started　
NYU？after　all；　somebody　had　to　keep　Rufus；　Dan　and　Jenny？s　lesser…known　Beat　poet　editor　
father；　pany。　So　she？d　decided　to　spend　the　weekend　redecorating　the　totally　dismal　pad。　And　
really；　what　better　way　to　try　out　Dan？s　newQueer　Eye　decorating　skills？　If　he　even　had　any。　He　
was　so　fresh　out　of　the　closet　it　was　hard　for　her　to　believe　it　was　really　true。　But　maybe　that？s　
because　she　didn？twant　it　to　be　true。　

　Didn？t　she？　

Dan　closed　his　eyes；　remembering　the　feel　of　Greg？s　lips　on　his；　his　scratchy　blond　chin　stubble　
scraping　against　Dan？s　jaw。　The　more　he　went　over　it　in　his　mind；　Dan　wasn？t　even　sure　how　he　
felt　about　the　kiss　anymore？or　about　Greg？except　that　he　was　pretty　sure　he　didn？t　really　have　any　
desire　to　do　it　again　anytime　soon。　He？d　promised　himself　he　was　going　to　get　to　the　bottom　of　
this　before　he　hopped　into　the　1977　Buick　Skylark　his　dad　had　given　him　for　graduation　and　drove　
to　Evergreen　in　ten　days。　If　he　were　going　to　reinvent　himself　in　college；　which　was　basically　the　
whole　point　of　going　to　college　in　the　first　place；　figuring　out　his　sexuality　would　be　a　good　place　
to　start。　He？d　even　picked　up　a　book　at　the　Strand；　where　he？d　worked　all　summer；　
calledUnlocking　the　Closet　。　It　explained　that　feelings　of　confusion　and　despair　were　natural　while　
you　were　transitioning　from　one　sexual　identity　to　another；　and　said　that　one　should　be　totally　
willing　to　ask　oneself　the　really　？tough？　questions。　Which　he　really　was　trying　to　do。　Like；　if　he　
wasn？t　truly　gay；　then　why　had　he　kissed　Greg　in　the　first　place？　Then　again；　why　was　Vanessa　
suddenly　looking　so　hot　with　newsprint　smudges　across　her　pale　cheek？

　Good　question。　

Dan　moved　over　to　the　sad　gray　curtains　shading　the　floor…to…ceiling　windows　in　the　musty　living　
room　and　attempted　to　tie　one　limp　side　back　with　a　twist　tie　he？d　found　with　the　garbage　bags　
under　the　kitchen　sink。　The　yellow　twist　tie　fell　to　the　ground　and　he　bent　down　to　pick　it　up。　

Vanessa　sighed　as　she　watched　him。　He　was　really　going　to　have　to　get　in　touch　with　his　inner　
diva　if　he　was　going　to　make　a　go　of　it　as　a　New　York　City…bred　gay　man。　

？There；　how？s　that？？　Dan　secured　the　garbage　tie　and　stood　back　to　admire　his　handiwork；　
looking　more　optimistic　than　he　had　all　day。　He　placed　both　hands　on　his　hips。　？Somuch　better；　
right？？　The　fabric　hung　to　the　side；　exposing　the　dirty　hand…printed　and　dust…streaked　window。　
Vanessa　looked　from　the　window　to　her　ex…boyfriend？who　now　apparently　had　boyfriends　of　his　
own。　？Uh　。　。　。　yeah；？　she　intoned；　fluffing　a　lumpy　brown　leather　sofa　pillow　that　resembled　a　
giant　potato。　？That？s　just　great。　I？m　sure　we？ll　be　featured　inTown　&　Country　next　month。？　The　


truth　was；　Vanessa　kind　of　missed　him。　After　returning　from　a　hellish　stint　as　a　nanny　and　then　
some　sort　of　fashion　muse　out　in　the　Hamptons；　and　since　Greg　had　left　for　Phoenix；　she　and　Dan　
had　spent　the　last　month　hanging　out　in　the　city；　but　it　had　been　。　。　。　different。　They　had　fallen　into　
a　fortable；　friendly　sort　of　small…talk…making　rapport？with　none　of　the　sexual　tension　or　
heated　argument　you？d　expect　from　two　exes　living　in　such　close　quarters。　

With　so　little　time　before　Dan　left　for　college；　Vanessa　couldn？t　believe　that　this　was　the　way　
they　were　going　to　leave　things。　Not　even　one　last　lingering　kiss　or　one　last　roll　in　the　hay？　Every　
time　Dan　brushed　past　her　when　he　was　making　his　umpteenth　cup　of　Folgers　crystals；　or　on　the　
way　to　the　bathroom；　when　she　caught　a　whiff　of　stale　Camels　and　coffee　grounds；　she　had　to　stop　
herself　from　throwing　him　down　on　the　dust…bunny…littered　floor　and　ripping　off　his　brown；　
frayed…at…the…bottom；　zillion…year…old　cords。　In　fact；　now　that　Dan　was　gay？and　pletely　
unattainable？the　thought　was　more　appealing　than　ever。　

A　key　jiggled　in　the　front　door　and　it　swung　open　with　a　bang　as　Rufus　Humphrey？s　bulk　filled　
the　doorway。　He　wore　a　pair　of　denim　overalls　splattered　in　white　paint　with　a　faded　brown　
ANTEATERS　HAVE　FEELINGS　TOO　T…shirt　underneath；　and　scuffed；　red　bowling　shoes　on　his　
feet。　A　white　straw　Panama　hat　was　perched　jauntily　atop　his　wiry；　shoulder…length　gray　hair；　and　
his　bushy　salt…and…pepper　beard　was　partially　braided；　with　a　hot　pink　elastic　at　the　end。　

？Hey　Dad；？　Dan　called　from　his　station　at　the　window。　？Check　out？？　？Close　your　eyes；　Dan！？　
Rufus　boomed；　holding　up　one　hand；　palm　out　in　a　stop…in…the…name…of…love　pose；　as　if　he　were　
auditioning　to　be　the　next　Supreme。　Dan　was　too　surprised　to　do　anything　but　ply。　He　closed　
his　eyes；　his　mind　racing　with　the　possibilities。　Chinese　food　for　lunch？　He　was　starving。　An　iPod　
to　take　to　college　with　him？　A　first　edition　of　his　favorite　novel　of　all　time；The　Sorrows　of　Young　
Werther　by　Goethe？　

？Danny；　darrrrrrrling！？　A　preening；　soprano…pitched　voice　sang　out　behind　Rufus。　Dan？s　eyes　
snapped　open。　Whatever　he　was　expecting；　it　definitely　wasn？t　this。　

　？Mom？！？　

Jeanette　Humphrey　flew　into　the　room　like　an　exotic　bird　just　released　from　captivity；　dressed　in　
a　turquoise　floor…length　sundress　and　carrying　two　large　brown　shopping　bags。　She　threw　her　long；　
gray…streaked　mousy　brown　hair　over　one　shoulder；　elbowed　Rufus　aside　with　an　exasperated　sigh；　
and　flung　her　skinny　arms　around　Dan　in　a　cloud　of　poisonously　strong　floral　perfume。　Dan　just　
stood　there　in　a　state　of　shock；　his　arms　like　chow　fun　noodles　as　he　tried　to　wrap　his　mind　around　
the　fact　that　this　was　actually　happening。　What　the　fuck？　Was　this　really　his　mother；　after；　what；ten　
years？　Or　was　this　an　acid　flashback；　like　a　real…life　Howl　poem？　Oh　wait；　he　had　never　done　acid。　
What　was　shedoing　here？　

Vanessa　watched　with　a　fascination　that　bordered　on　horror　as　the　mythical　Mrs。　Humphrey　
proceeded　to　kiss　Dan　all　over　his　face；　leaving　violent　tracks　of　bright　pink　lipstick　smeared　
across　his　sunken　cheeks。　


？Howare　you；　my　pet？？　Jeanette　chirped　as　she　squeezed　her　son　so　tightly　it　looked　like　he　
might　suffer　internal　organ　damage。　？It？s　been　absolutelyages　！？　She　cupped　Dan？s　pained；　
mortified　face　and　led　him；　zombielike；　to　the　couch。　Vanessa　had　never　seen　him　get　whisked　
around　before　and　with　so　little　plaint。　Rufus　winked　merrily　at　Vanessa　from　beneath　his　
white　hat；　and　sauntered　through　the　chipped；　oak…trimmed　doorway　into　the　kitchen。　Vanessa　
followed　him；　not　quite　sure　where　to　go。　Rufus　pulled　out　a　clear　Tupperware　container　full　of　
weird　brown　goo　that　had　been　shoved　in　the　back　of　the　fridge；　peeling　back　the　lid　and　sniffing　
h