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chips　ahoy！　

Nate　leaned　out　over　the　bow　of　the　boat　and　dipped　his　hand　in　the　white　froth　of　the　waves。　
Chips　stood　in　theBelinda　？s　stern？named　for　his　late　wife？as　he　simultaneously　steered　the　huge　
wheel　of　the　forty…foot　yacht　and　nursed　a　scotch　on　the　rocks。　The　white　sails　billowed　in　the　


wind。　It　was　a　perfect；　cloudless　summer　day；　but　after　his　afternoon　with　both　Blair　and　Serena　
yesterday；　Nate？s　thoughts　were　more　muddled　than　ever。　When　Chips　had　called　this　morning　
and　invited　him　out　for　a　sail　on　the　Hudson；　he？d　jumped　at　the　chance　to　get　back　out　on　the　
water　and　as　far　away　from　the　girls　as　possible。　A　little　scotch　wouldn？t　hurt　either。　

Wearing　a　pair　of　white　Ralph　Lauren　sailing　pants　and　a　navy　blue　cashmere　sweater；　Chips　
looked　sophisticated　and　stately　manning　the　wheel　of　the　pristine　yacht。　

？This　is　the　life；？　he　boomed；　his　wizened　hands　resting　lightly　on　the　wheel。　？The　open　sea；　the　
sun；　and　the　wind。？　He　took　a　deep　breath　and　tilted　his　head　toward　the　sky；　breathing　the　clear；　
warm　air　deep　into　his　lungs。　

？I　guess。？　Nate　scuffed　the　toe　of　his　sneakers　against　the　planks　of　the　deck。　He　was　waiting　for　
a　big　lecture　on　thinking　with　his　balls；　Chips？s　favorite　topic。　

The　old　man？s　stubby　white　beard　sparkled　in　the　late　afternoon　sunshine。　？So；　what？s　crawled　
up　your　arse；　then？？　he　asked；　his　Scottish　accent　rolling　around　in　his　mouth　like　marbles。　

？Oh。　I？m？I？m　fine；？　Nate　answered　quickly。　？Sort　of。？　Chips　looked　at　him　knowingly；　waiting　
for　Nate　to　continue。　Nate　took　a　deep　breath；　inhaling　the　briny　air　into　his　lungs；　and；　for　the　first　
time　in　days；　felt　his　head　start　to　clear。　When　he　was　out　on　the　ocean；　everything　just　felt　so　
much　simpler。　The　whole　world　was　reduced　to　its　essentials：　sun；　sky；　and　water。　

？I　have　to　repeat　my　senior　year　of　high　school；？　he　heard　himself　say。　？I？m　not　going　to　Yale。　
I？m　sure　my　dad　told　you；　right？？　Chips　nodded。　？Apparently　you　stole　Viagra　from　your　coach　
because　you　thought　it　would　make　you　more　of　a　man？？　He　raised　an　eyebrow。　

？Uh；　yeah；？　Nate　mumbled；　turning　a　little　red。　？But　that？s　not　the　only　problem。　There　are　these　
two　girls。　。　。　。？　his　voice　trailed　off　into　the　breeze。　？I　think　I　have　to　choose　between　them；　and　I　
don？t　know　who　to　pick。？　The　boat　hit　a　rough　patch　of　water　and　Nate　staggered　backward。　

？Whoa；　there；　Natie！？　Chips　laughed　out　loud　and　grabbed　hold　of　Nate？s　arm。　He　steered　him　
toward　the　bench　behind　the　wheel；　indicating　that　he　should　steer。　Chips　sat　down　heavily　beside　
him　and　placed　a　large　blue　pillow　behind　his　back　for　support。　He　pulled　out　a　fat　brown　cigar　
from　his　pants　pocket　and　rolled　it　around　between　his　lips。　Then　he　lit　the　tip　and　puffed　away　
until　the　end　glowed　amber　and　the　stench　of　cigar　smoke　filled　the　air；　sweet　and　acrid。　Nate　
looked　out　at　the　water；　steering　the　boat　and　fretting　over　what　he？d　just　said。　Talking　about　it　
meant　thinking　about　it；　and　that　was　the　last　thing　he　wanted　to　do。　

？Now。？　Chips　blew　a　ring　of　smoke　over　his　head。　？Let？s　start　from　the　beginning。？　？Well　。　。　。　
first　there？s　Blair；？　Nate　began　tentatively　as　he　steered　the　boat　expertly　between　the　green　and　
red　buoys　marking　the　entrance　to　Manhattan？s　harbor。　？We？ve　been　together　forever；　and　I　really　
love　her。　She　likes　getting　her　way；　and　she　just　。　。　。　wants　everything　to　be　perfect。　She？s　leaving　
for　Yale　tomorrow；　and　she　wants　me　to　e　live　in　New　Haven　with　her。？　He　reached　into　his　


pocket　and　ran　his　finger　over　the　smooth　surface　of　the　silver　lighter　Blair　had　given　him　two　
years　ago。　？But　I？ve　always　loved　Serena；　too。　She？s　。　。　。　the　plete　opposite　of　Blair。　All　light　
and　mystery　and　laughter；　but　hard　to　pin　down。？　Chips　nodded；　listening　carefully。　

？And　to　make　things　even　more　plicated；　they？ve　been　best　friends　forever；　and　I？m　always　
kind　of　messing　things　up　between　them。？　Kind　of？　

He　took　a　deep　breath；　and　Chips　passed　him　his　glass　of　scotch。　？I　know　it？s　idiotic；　but　I　just　
can？t　make　up　my　mind。？　Nate　took　a　deep　swallow　and　handed　the　glass　gratefully　back　to　
Chips。　？Aboutanything。　？　He　glanced　out　at　the　water　again；　hoping　for　a　sign？aB　…shaped　cloud　
in　the　sky　or　anS　reflected　on　the　water？s　surface。　Instead；　all　he　could　see　was　the　two　girls？　faces　
winking　at　him。You　know　you　love　me　；　each　one　was　saying。　

Chips　took　a　sip　of　scotch　and　looked　thoughtfully　at　Nate；　his　gold　wedding　band　glinting　in　the　
light。　？Well；　Nate；　I？ve　always　believed　that　honesty　is　an　essential　ponent　to　happiness？along　
with　all　of　this；？　he　said；　gesturing　with　his　hand　at　the　boat。　？But　there？s　also　something　to　be　
said　for　protecting　someone　you　love　from　unnecessary　pain。？　He　stood　and　tapped　the　ashes　of　
his　cigar　over　the　side　of　the　yacht　before　sitting　back　down　again。　Nate　noticed　for　the　first　time　
that　Chips？s　left　leg　looked　a　little　stiff　as　he　walked。　

？You？re　right；？　Nate　mused　aloud。　He　leaned　his　head　back　to　take　in　the　warmth　of　the　sun　on　
his　face；　and　closed　his　eyes　for　a　minute。　？I　mean；　what　good　would　it　do　to　tell　Blair　about　
Serena　anyway？　She？s　going　to　Yale　tomorrow。　And　maybe　she？ll　go；　and　I？ll　miss　her　so　much　
I？ll　be　on　the　Metro…North　every　freaking　Friday。　Or　maybe　me　and　Serena　will　be　together？so　
why　decide　now；　right？？　？Nate　。　。　。？　Chips　turned　and　looked　at　Nate　thoughtfully；　one　hand　
resting　on　his　stiff　leg。　？Don？t　twist　my　words　to　your　own　convenience。　There？s　a　difference　
between　protecting　someone　else　and　protecting　yourself。　And　it　doesn？t　sound　to　me　like　you？ve　
done　much　thinking　about　what？s　really　best　for　those　two　girls　you　claim　to　love　so　
much。？　？Yeah？？　Nate　stared　glumly　down　at　the　wide…planked　floor。　He　knew　how　hurt　Serena　
would　be　if　he　told　her　he　was　going　to　see　Blair　every　weekend　at　Yale。　He　also　knew　that　if　he　
told　Blair　what　had　happened　with　Serena；　that　shoe…throwing　scene　would　look　like　a　trip　to　the　
circus。　

Step　right　up　to　see　the　man…eating　Manolo…thrower！　？But　there？s　this　other　thing；？　Nate　went　on；　
struggling　with　his　thoughts。　？Blair　and　Serena　。　。　。　they　both　know　exactly　what　they　want。　
They？ve　got　all　theseplans　。　。　。　。　Everyone　else　knows　what　they　want；　but　I　just　。　。　。don？t　。　And　
even　if　I　did；　I　feel　like　everything？s　been　decided　for　me。？　The　sparkling　water　seemed　to　laugh　
at　him。　Weeks　before；　the　water　had　been　full　of　promise。　Now　he　just　felt　like　he　was　sinking。　

？That？s　the　biggest　pile　of　bullshit　I？ve　ever　heard　in　all　my　living　days；？　Chips　growled。　He　
leaned　forward　so　that　his　face　was　inches　from　Nate？s。　？Look　at　me？I？m　sixty…five　years　old；　
I？ve　got　a　bad　leg；　and　on　Sunday　morning；　I？m　setting　sail　around　the　world。？　He　tapped　his　shin　
and　it　made　a　weird　knocking　sound。　？Knock　on　wood；　it？ll　be　the　best　thing　I　ever　did。？　Knock　


on　wood？　

Nate？s　eyes　widened　in　surprise　at　Chips？s　announcement？sail　around　the　world？　Damn。　

Chips　tossed　the　cigar　overboard　with　a　flourish。　？Boy；？？his　voice　was　grave？？I？m　going　to　give　
you　the　exact　same　advice　I　gave　your　father　twenty…five　years　ago。？　He　paused；　looking　Nate　
dead　in　the　eye。　？You　need　to　figure　out　what　you　really　want？no　more　of　this　pussyfooting　
around。　Remember；　you？ve　got　to　think　with　your　balls；　not　with　your　dick。？　Here　we　go　again。　

Nate　nodded；　looking　at　the　floor；　starting　to　understand　what　Chips？s　perverse　little　saying　
really　meant。　He　was　right？all　this　going　back　and　forth　about　Serena　and　Blair　wasn？t　helping　
anyone。　It　was　all　about　his　dick；　but　there　was　nothing　brave　or　manly　about　lying　to　the　two　
people　he　loved　most　in　the　world。　

？Every　boy　has　to　bee　a　man　sometime。？　Chips　drained　his　glass　and　placed　it　on　the　teak　
plank　floor。　？Now？s　your　turn。？　Is　that　Scottish…old…man…speak　for　？Grow　a　sack？？　

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ABC　Amber　LIT　Converter　v2。02　
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Disclaimer：　All　the　real　names　of　places；　people；　and　events　have　been　altered　or　abbreviated　to　
protect　the　innocent。　Namely；　me。　

　hey　people！　

　The　Met　party　is　finally　here；　and　I？ve　spent　all　day　at　Bliss　in　preparation　for　tonight？s　
festivities；　having　every　gorgeous　inch　of　me　waxed；　buffed；　and　painted　for　the　occasion。　It？s　
time　to　slide　my　kissably　smooth　body　into　my　favorite　new　silk　Gucci　dress　and　paint　the　town　
pink？if　I　can　ever　get　away　from　my　mirror；　that　is。　Translation：　Better　make　this　a　quickie。　

TonightB　？s　kooky　family　will　attempt　to　out…f？te　every　f？te　ever　held　at　the　Met；　so　be　sure　to　
wear　your　end…of…summer…blowout…best。　If　you　weren？t　invited；　don？t　feel　too　bad。　While　you？re　
stuck　at　home　watching　reruns　ofGrey？s　Anatomy；　I？ll　be　doing　the　exhausting　work　of　keeping　
tabs　on　everyone　who？s　anyone；　which　is　clearlyeveryone　at　this　particular　party。　Cheer　up；　
wallflowers？I？ll　be　sure　to　give　you　all　the　juicy　gossip　and　gory　details　next　time。　Stay　tuned！　

And　for　those　of　you　folks　at　home　packing　up　for　your　big　off…to…college　bon　voyage　tomorrow　
morning；　I？ve　put　together　a　handy　checklist　of　what　to　pack。　I　know　most　of　you　are　too　busy　
fantasizing　about　your　own　personal；　tear…filled　goodbye　scenarios；　so　let　me　assist　you　with　the　
dorm…room　basics：　

（1）　A　pair　of　horn…rimmed　glasses？Armani　or　Chanel？whether　you　really　need　them　or　not。　Every　
college　boy　has　a　sexy…librarian　fantasy？trust　me。　

（2）　One　leather…bound　notebook　and　a　silver　Montblanc　pen？perfect　for　passing　notes　to　the　
hottie　who　sits　in　front　of　you　every　Tuesday/Thursday。　
（3）　A　new　iBook。　Take　notes　in　class　while　checking　your　e…mail？and　send　some　irresistible　
messages　to　your　latest　fling。　It？s　called　multitasking；　people；　and　I　should　know。　
（4）　A　noise　machine　set　to　City　Sounds。　There？s　no　place　like　home。　。　。　。　
（5）　Your　wits　and　charm！　College　is　all　about　red　tape；　rules；　and　regulations。　You？re　all　about　
breaking　them！　So　remember；　you？ll　catch　more　flies　with　honey　than　vinegar。　A　tub　of　actual　
honey　might　also　be　useful　for　smearing　on　all　those　cute　boys　in　Econ　202？not　that　I？m　actually　
advocating　such　behavior。　。　。　。　
sightings　

NinTimes　Square；　staring　longingly　at　a　Polo　billboard　featuring　a　guy　on　a　sailboat；　flanked　by　
two　gorgeous　models？a　blonde　and　a　brunette。　Wishful　thinking？　Well；　if　anyone　can　make　it　
happen；　it？s　our　friendN　。　。　。　。S　atBarnes　&　Noble　in　Union　Square；　hidden　behind　an　enormous　
pair　of　white　sunglasses　as　she　leafed　throughThe　Idiot？s　Guide　to　Finding　an　Agent　。　Sounds　like　
someone？s　got　a　new　project！B　yelling　at　an　employee　in　the　bedding　section　ofABC　Carpet　and　
Home　because　they　don？t　carry　Pratesi　sheets　in　size　extra…long　。　。　。K　andI　atChlo？；　trying　on　
identical　party　dresses？will　they　be　bringing　identical　dates？C　buying　a　tuxedo　atArmani　（doesn？t　
he　alreadyown　one？　Or　ten？）；　harassing　the　sales　staff　with　his　requests　for　a　tailor　to　make　a　
matching　one　in　primate　size　XS。　Please。V　making　the　trek　from　Prospect　Park　toward　the　Upper　
East　Side　via　subway　with　some　weirdos　wearing　red；　black；　and　white　seersucker　suits　。　。　。　
NewlywedsR　andP　kissing　madly　in　a　taxi　on　their　way　toJFK。　Word　is　they？re　headed　to　。　。　。　
Iceland　for　the　honeymoon。　That？s　one　way　to　get　cool。A；　looking　surprisingly　dapper；　buying　a　
tux　at　Barneys　and　flirting　madly　with　the　dreadlocked　salesgirl？though　rumor　has　it　he　only　has　
eyes　for　a　certain　sometimes…bald；　sometime…wigged　party　invitee　。　。　。B？　s　mom；E　；　atBang　&　
Olufsen　electronics　store　on　the　Upper　East　Side；　buying　the　biggest　flat　screen　in　the　place；　and　
then　later　on　atMarquee　in　the　Meatpacking　District；　rocking　out　in　the　DJ　booth　to　the　Black　
Eyed　Peas。　Uh…oh。　Tonight　is　definitely　going　to　be　。　。　。　entertaining。　

Well；　people；　I　need　to　go　fix　myself　a　pre…party　Grey　Goose　martini　with　just　asplash　of　
vermouth；　relax　on　the　new　pink　velvet　chaise　lounge　I　bought　myself　for　school　（so　Marie　
Antoinette　goes　to　college！）；　and　try　to　calm　my　nerves　for　the　big；　big　night　ahead。　It？s　kind　of　
hard　to　pay　attention　to　writing　to　you　kittens　when　my　freshly　painted　fingernails　in　Chanel？s　
Black　Satin　（yes；　I　have　it　and　you　don？t）　areso　tot