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ps　was　dead。　He’d　had　cancer　and　hadn’t　even　bothered　to　tell　Nate　he’d　been　sick。　He’d　been　slowly　dying　for　months　now　in　Lenox　Hill　Hospital　and　hadn’t　bothered　to　call；　or　e…mail；　or　even　send　a　letter。

Nate　hadn’t　planned　to　e　back　to　New　York　for　the　holidays。　He’d　been　at　Deep　Springs　College　for　the　past　eight　months；　trying　to　sort　his　mind　out。　He’d　thought　he’d　done　that　with　Chips　on　the　Belinda。　That　he　had　a　handle　on　who　he　was　and　what　he　wanted　from　life。　That　Serena　and　Blair　wouldn’t　confuse　him　as　much　as　they　had　before。

But　nothing　could　have　been　further　than　the　truth。　After　he　saw　them　fighting；　it　was　all　too　apparent　that　he　could　never　be　around　them　anymore。　There　were　too　many　feelings；　too　much　history；　too　many　swirling　emotions。　It　practically　killed　him　that　he　was　the　one　who’d　caused　all　the　problems　in　their　friendship。

He’d　immediately　run　to　his　parents’　vacation　home　on　Mt。　Desert　Island；　Maine；　and　it　was　there；　sitting　on　the　beach　and　watching　the　waves　roll　in；　that　he　thought　of　Chuck　and　his　transformation　from　a　monkey…toting　metrosexual　to　a　decent…seeming　dude。　Immediately；　he’d　called　Deep　Springs　and　interviewed　for　a　spot　for　spring　semester。　Because　all　the　students　of　Deep　Springs　sat　on　the　admissions　mittee；　and　all　had　a　tremendous　amount　of　respect　for　Chuck—and　because　Nate　was　consistently　lucky—he’d　gotten　in。

Since　then；　he’d　done　a　total　one…eighty。　Deep　Springs　was　intense　and　unlike　anything　he’d　ever　experienced。　Thirty　guys　living　in　one　house；　studying　and　working　the　farm　together。　No　girls。　No　pot。　No　drinking。　No　drama。

Sounds；　um；　fun！

Maybe　it　was　because　the　schedule　sort　of　reminded　him　of　his　life　aboard　the　Belinda　with　Chips；　but　he　liked　waking　up　at　5　a。m。　to　milk　the　cows；　then　heading　to　the　old…fashioned　one…room　schoolhouse　to　discuss　Plato。　He’d　always　half…assed　it　in　high　school；　so　this　was　the　first　time　he’d　ever　really　tried　to　study　and　learn。　It　was　surprisingly　satisfying。　It　was　sort　of　like　what　Chips　had　taught　him：　that　you　have　to　own　the　work　before　you　can　own　yourself。　Chips　had　given　him　a　ton　of　good　advice。　And　now　he　was　gone。

Nate　sighed　in　frustration。　It　turned　out　he’d　known　he　had　cancer　the　whole　time　they　were　aboard　the　Belinda。　Nate　thought　of　the　days　they　spent　exploring　the　world；　docking　on　islands　that　seemed　almost　untouched　by　man。　Days　spent　at　sea　so　far　out　you　couldn’t　see　land；　methodically　fishing。　Of　their　quiet　dinners　on　board；　where　they　ate　their　daily　catch　and　contemplated　the　multicolored　sunset。　He’d　had　all　the　time；　all　the　opportunities　in　the　world—why　hadn’t　Chips　said　anything？　His　father　squeezed　his　shoulder　in　a　gesture　of　solidarity。　Chips　had　been　the　Captain’s　mentor　as　well。

“Thanks　for　ing；”　Captain　Archibald　said；　shaking　hands　with　Chuck；　who　had　been　standing　at　a　respectful　distance。　Nate　and　Chuck　had　bee　close　this　year；　and　when　he　heard　the　news　about　Chips；　Chuck　had　insisted　that　he　e　with　Nate；　for　moral　support。

“Well…”　The　Captain　trailed　off　unfortably；　shifting　from　one　tan　leather　Gucci　loafer　to　another。　“I’ll　be　off　now。　You’ll　be　all　right？”　he　asked；　as　if　unsure　whether　it　was　okay　to　leave。

“I’ll　be　fine；”　Nate　said　stiffly。　He　looked　down　and　realized　his　knuckles　were　white　from　gripping　the　iron　railing。　He　loosened　his　grip　and　held　out　his　hand。　The　Archibald　men　weren’t　huggers。　His　dad　took　his　hand；　but　instead　of　shaking　it；　gave　it　a　gentle　squeeze　before　turning　crisply　on　his　heel；　heading　down　the　stairs　and　up　the　avenue。　There　was　hardly　any　traffic　today；　as　if　out　of　respect　for　the　dead。

“You　okay；　man？”　Chuck　asked；　clasping　Nate’s　shoulder。　Nate　nodded；　glad　that　Chuck　had　insisted　on　ing　with　him。　In　a　crisp　charcoal　Turnbull　and　Asser　suit　with　a　white　handkerchief　in　his　breast　pocket；　Chuck　looked　like　he　had　back　in　high　school；　but　he　still　acted　like　the　guy　Nate　had　e　to　think　of　as　his　best　friend　at　Deep　Springs。

Nate　squeezed　his　green　eyes　shut；　hoping　when　he　opened　them　he’d　discover　he’d　been　dreaming　during　one　of　his　daily　naps　in　the　cow　barn。　But　when　he　opened　his　eyes；　he　saw　the　dark；　overcast　sky；　hovering　above　the　Upper　East　Side　rooftops。　The　clouds　looked　ominous；　ready　to　unleash　a　torrent　of　hail　that　would　destroy　the　white　lilies　outside　the　church。

A　tear　begin　to　trickle　down　the　side　of　Nate’s　nose。　He　squinted　to　try　to　stop　the　flow；　but　it　was　no　use。

“Fuck　it。”　He　roughly　wiped　his　eyes　with　the　back　of　his　hand。

“Dude；　you　okay？”　Chuck　pulled　his　gold　Gucci　aviators　out　of　his　pocket　and　handed　them　to　Nate。　“You’re　crying；”　he　remarked；　unnecessarily　but　not　unkindly。

“Thanks；　man。　It’s　just　a　lot…。”　Nate’s　voice　cracked。　Chuck　had　been　surprisingly　thoughtful　this　trip；　but　he　hadn’t　known　Chips；　and　Nate　felt　like　this　was　something　he　needed　to　handle　on　his　own。

“Are　you　Nathaniel？”　A　tiny；　elderly　woman　wearing　a　pink　tweed　St。　John’s　suit　wobbled　from　the　church　entrance　toward　him　on　a　pair　of　black　Prada　pumps。

Nate　nodded。　Did　he　know　this　lady？

“Well；　aren’t　you　handsome；”　she　mused；　smiling　broadly　as　if　they’d　met　at　a　charity　event　and　not　outside　a　funeral。

“Thanks；”　Nate　grunted。　He　was　used　to　women　of　all　ages　menting　on　his　looks。　It　was　just　a　fact　of　his　life；　like　the　fact　he　liked　to　sail　and　was　naturally　good　at　lacrosse。

Hey；　it’s　not　bragging　if　it’s　true。

“You　know；　Charles　never　had　a　son。　I　see　why　he　took　a　shine　to　you。　I’m　his　sister；　Nan。　He　and　I　had　our　differences；　but　I　won’t　speak　ill　of　the　dead；”　she　clucked　as　she　reached　into　her　ivory…colored　Chanel　purse。　“This　is　for　you；”　she　said；　thrusting　a　thick；　ivory…colored　envelope　in　his　hand。　“And；　of　course；　you’re　invited　to　the　small　luncheon　I’m　having　for　friends。　It’s　at　my　apartment。　Shall　I　give　you　the　address？”　she　asked　expectantly。

“I’m　afraid—I　can’t　attend；”　Nate　said　haltingly；　hoping　he　wasn’t　being　rude。　All　he　wanted　to　do　was　go　home；　curl　up　in　his　bed；　and　shut　the　world　out。　He　wondered　if　he　had　any　pot　knotted　in　a　black　dress　sock　stuffed　in　the　back　of　his　top　drawer。　He　hadn’t　wanted　to　smoke　in　ages；　but　right　now　he　wanted　to　enter　a　deep　pot…induced　haze　and　never　e　out。

Nan　gazed　at　Nate　quizzically。　Deep　crinkles　appeared　around　the　edges　of　her　blue　eyes；　eyes　that　if　he　looked　at　from　a　certain　angle；　reminded　him　of　Chips’s。　“Of　course。　Good　luck；　son；”　she　added　as　she　tottered　away　on　her　high　heels。

“Thanks。”　Nate　regarded　the　wrinkled　cream…colored　envelope　quizzically。　A　wet　snowflake　landed　on　the　envelope；　smearing　the　N　in　his　name。　Now　it　looked　more　like　Fate。

“Ready　to　get　out　of　here？”　he　asked　Chuck　as　he　marched　down　the　wide　stone　steps。　He　wondered　if　he　could　get　a　flight　back　to　California　tonight。　“I　think　I’m　going　back　to　the　airport。　See　if　I　can　get　back　to　Deep　Springs；”　Nate　explained　as　they　waited　for　the　light　to　cross　Lexington。

Chuck　looked　at　him　skeptically。　There　was　a　glimmer　of　how　he　used　to　look　back　in　high　school；　whenever　someone　suggested　leaving　a　party。　“Are　you　sure　about　that？”

Nate　stiffened；　balling　his　hands　in　his　jacket　pockets。　“Yes；”　he　said　firmly。　There　was　no　one　in　New　York　he　wanted　to　see。　New　York　was　bad　for　him—full　of　past　mistakes　and　regrets。

In　little　black　dresses。

The　light　changed　and　they　crossed　the　street。　“It’s　New　Year’s　Eve。　No　way　will　you　be　able　to　get　out　of　here。　Just　stay　a　couple　days。”　Chuck　pointed　out；　trailing　behind　him　across　Eightieth　Street。　Snow　was　beginning　to　stick　to　the　street；　blanketing　the　city　in　a　thin　layer　of　white。　“Besides；　I’m　having　a　party。”

Nate　stopped　in　the　middle　of　the　sidewalk　and　turned　to　Chuck。　Didn’t　he　get　it？　He’d　just　been　at　the　funeral　of　someone　who’d　meant　a　lot　to　him；　and　all　Chuck　could　talk　about　was　a　party？　“I　don’t　party　anymore；”　Nate　said　flatly。

“Too　busy　feeling　sorry　for　yourself？”　Chuck　asked；　briefly　losing　his　patience。

Nate　narrowed　his　green　eyes。　Chuck　sounded　like　Chips。　Nate　could　almost　conjure　the　salt…sea　air；　standing　on　the　deck　of　the　Belinda；　Chips　angrily　waving　his　tumbler　of　scotch　out　to　an　uncaring　ocean。　“e　on！”　Chuck　said；　slapping　Nate　on　the　back　as　if　to　force　him　to　buck　up。

Chuck　put　hailed　a　cab。　“You’re　ing　with　me；”　he　manded；　pushing　Nate　into　the　backseat。

Aye；　aye；　Captain！

bohemian　like　them

“Is　that　it？　Or　was　that　just　your　winter…into…spring　wardrobe？　At　least　summer　into　fall　might　be　slightly　lighter。”　Hollis　wiped　his　brow　theatrically　and　plopped　down　on　the　red　hemp…fiber　sewn　couch。　He　sighed　in　exhaustion；　as　if　he’d　nearly　broken　his　back。　Really；　all　he’d　done　was　help　Vanessa　carry　her　two　suitcases　of　worldly　possessions　into　the　new　Williamsburg　apartment。

The　new　apartment；　on　the　right　side　of　the　sugar　factory　this　time。　In　a　brand…new　luxury　building　with　a　concierge。　“Shut　up！”　Vanessa　teased；　perching　on　the　overstuffed　taupe　ottoman　across　from　him。

After　Dan　had　kicked　her　out　of　the　Humphreys’　last　year；　Vanessa　had　felt　lost　and　heartbroken。　Not　to　mention　very；　very　guilty。　Everything　with　Hollis　had　happened　so　quickly；　she　didn’t　really　have　time　to　think　about　it；　they　had　kissed　once；　and　then　they　had　kissed　again；　and　then　suddenly　there　was　Dan；　watching　it　all　happen。　After　he　told　Vanessa　that　he　never　wanted　to　see　her　again；　a　tiny　part　of　her　had　died。　But　there　was　nothing　she　could　do　to　change　what　had　happened。　She　had　to　look　forward；　not　back。　With　nowhere　else　to　turn；　she’d　called　Hollis。　They’d　slowly　gotten　to　know　each　other　over　long　nights　of　falafel；　cheap　red　wine；　and　Vanessa　with　no　place　to　crash　except　Hollis’s　bed。

For　the　last　year；　she’d　spent　most　nights　at　Hollis’s　Alphabet　City　apartment。　But　technically　she　resided　in　a　curtained…off　corner　of　the　living　room　of　a　Bushwick　apartment　with　Mackenzie　and　Rhiannon；　two　girls　from　NYU。　It　was　a　far　cry　from　what　she　now　called　home：　an　eighteen…hundred…square…foot　glass　and　exposed…brick　apartment　with　its　own　elevator；　black…stained　wood　floors；　and　a　winding　staircase　that　connected　a　sleeping　loft　to　the　sprawling　main　living　area。　It　was　incredible。　She　and　Hollis　had　been　planning　to　move　in　together　after　her　lease　was　up　on　December　31；　but　she　hadn’t　expected　an　apartment　so…

“It’s　so　big　here；”　Vanessa　said；　her　voice　echoing　off　the　still…bare　walls。　Hollis　had　hired　a　decorator　to　furnish　the　apartment　with　the　basics；　but　neither　of　them　had　put　up　any　artwork　yet。　She　couldn’t　wait　to　find　cool　prints　and　stills　together　to　put　on　the　walls；　and　really　make　it　their　own。　For　now；　she　just　wanted　to　run　around　the　loft　in　her　socks。　Because　she　could。

That’s　one　way　to　dial　down　the　maturity　level。

It　was　all　like　a　fairy　tale；　with　Hollis　as　her　indie　prince。　He　hadn’t　even　told　her　how　expensive　it　was；　assuring　Vanessa　that　her　tiny　contribution　to　the　rent　from　her　student　job　working　in　the　digital　film　archives　at　school　would　more　than　cover　her　share。

At　first；　Vanessa　had　protested。　It　felt　so　terribly　cliché。　She　was　practically　a　kept　woman！　Although　it　wasn’t　her　fault　Hollis’s　film　Between　the　B　and　the　A；　a　ing…of…age　story　about　a　twenty…one…year…old’s　spiritual　journey；　had　been　the　darling　at　Sundance　and　a　surprise　indie　hit　the　summer　before。　It　was　pretty　obvious　he　wasn’t　exactly　living　off　a　TA　salary　anymore。　And　Hollis　had　countered　Vanessa’s　protests　by　explaining　that　his　success　was　her　success　and　vice　versa。　They　were　a　team。　Even　though　it　was　sort　of　corny；　she　couldn’t　help　but　swoon　a　little。

She　wandered　over　to　the　large　arching　windows；　where　she　could　just　make　out　the　East　River　rushing　by　in　the　distance。　She　could　hear　Williamsburg　denizens　on　the　sidewalk　below；　just　getting　started　on　their　New　Year’s　Eve　festivities。　Vanessa　was　happy　she　and　Hollis　weren’t　going　out。

There　are　plenty　of　ways　to　have　fun　staying　in。

Hollis　hoisted　himself　up　from　the　couch　and　wrapped　his　strong；　lean　arms　around　her。　Vanessa　smiled　and　leaned　back　into　him；　feeling　safe　and　protected。　Before　Holli