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美丽英文:上帝的笑-第5部分
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ド涎А？蠢矗灰烂啄苷业窖＃兔挥惺裁纯梢缘Ｐ牡牧恕�
那天早晨，父母告诉汤米在他走出家门后，看着大哥哥大姐姐们往哪里走，只要跟在他们身后就行了。
整个上午，汤米的父母都一直在担心。他们恨不得午餐时间能快点到，因为汤米在那个时间应该会打电话给他们。好不容易到了午餐时间，汤米给父母打电话报了平安。汤米的父母听到儿子打来的电话，激动万分。
“儿子，到目前为止，第一天上学一切都还好吗？”他的父亲问道。
“到现在一切都很好，我们学了很多东西呢。”汤米说。
“你们今天早上都学了什么呀，小宝贝？”他的母亲问道，“你学会怎样系鞋带了吗？有没有学到字母应该怎么写？还是知道了彩虹有哪几种颜色呢？”
汤米回答说：“不，我们学习了比那些更有意思的东西，我们知道了玻利维亚的河流和湖泊。”
汤米的父母认为让幼儿园的小孩子学习这些东西有些反常，但是他们离开学校的时间太长了，好多东西他们也记不清楚是不是在幼儿园学到的。他们告诉汤米放学回家后给他们打电话。
那天下午，时间过得太慢了。汤米的父母又开始为他们的小宝贝担心起来。终于，四点钟的时候，电话铃响了！
是汤米打来的，他已经安全到家了。母亲问他今天下午在学校都做了些什么。“你们睡午觉了吗？你们唱歌了吗？”
汤米回答：“没有，我们学的是代数。”他的父母觉得既吃惊又迷惑，他们简直不敢相信幼儿园现在都上代数课了。
那天晚上，他们下班回到家，决定领着汤米到外面去吃晚餐，以庆祝这个重要的日子。在去餐厅的路上，他们路过一所高中。
“瞧！”汤米说，“那就是我的学校！”“汤米！”他的父亲说，“那是一所高中呀！只有大孩子才可以去的！”汤米回答：“你们不是告诉我，让我跟在大哥哥大姐姐身后去上学吗？我以为年龄越大，学习就会越好呢。”
First Day at School
It was Tommy’s first day at school。 Both his mother and his father had to work early in the morning。 Neither of them would be able to take him to school first thing in the morning on this significant day。 His parents were not happy about this but Tommy didn’t mind at all。 He was excited to be able to go all by himself like the big kids did in the older grades。 It seemed that Tommy’s only worry was how to find the school。
His parents told him that when he left the house that morning； he should watch where the big kids were going and follow them。
花样年华 第五章（3）
All morning long； his mom and dad worried and fretted。 They couldn’t wait until lunch time。 That was when Tommy was supposed to phone。 At last； it was lunch time and Tommy called his parents to touch base。 His parents were so happy to hear from their boy。
“How is your very first day at school so far； son？” asked his dad。
“It’s good so far。 We’re learning lots of things。” said Tommy。
“What did you learn this morning； dear？” his mother asked。 “Did you learn how to tie your shoes？ Did you learn the letters of the alphabet？ Did you learn the colors of the rainbow？”
Tommy replied。 “No； we learned something more interesting than that。 We learned about the rivers and lakes of Bolivia。”
Tommy’s parents thought that was unusual for a child in kindergarten to learn。 But it had been so long since they had been in school they couldn’t remember。 They asked him to call them when he got home from school at the end of the day。
The afternoon passed slowly。 Tommy’s mom and dad worried about their little boy。 Finally； the phone rang at four o’clock。
It was Tommy。 He had arrived at home with no problems。 His mother asked him what he had done in school that afternoon。 “Did you have nap time？ Did you sing songs？”
Tommy replied； “No； We studied algebra。” His parents were surprised and confused。 They couldn’t believe that algebra was being taught in kindergarten now。
That night when they got home from work； they decided to take Tommy out for supper to celebrate his big day。 On the way to the restaurant； they passed the high school。 “Look！” Tommy said； “It’s my school！” “Tommy！” said his dad； “That’s the high school！ That’s only for big kids！” Tommy replied； “You told me to follow the big kids to school。 I thought the bigger the kids； the better the school。”
谁死得更惨
天堂门外站着三个男人。圣彼得说：“对不起，我们这里的人太多了，你们三个之中只有一个人能够进入天堂。所以，你们三个人之中，死得最惨的那个才能进来。”
第一个人说：“哦，我刚结婚不久，我很嫉妒我的妻子和她的男性朋友，于是上班的时候，我不准她见任何一个男性朋友。可我今天下班比较早，一到家我就发现咖啡桌上放着两个葡萄酒杯。我便问妻子为什么有两个杯子，她红着脸一言不发。我搜遍了整个屋子，想找出妻子的男性朋友，最后我看到有个人正抓着我家阳台的栏杆。一怒之下，我对着那双手一阵狂踢，直到那个流氓从15层楼上掉到一堆纸箱上。当我发现他还活着时，就搬起家里的冰箱扔了下去。就在这时，我突发心脏病而死。”
圣彼得说：“噢，够惨的！下一个？”
第二个人说：“我是一个窗户清洁工，一天，我正在公寓的17楼清洗窗户。不幸的是，安全带突然崩断，我掉了下来，幸亏抓住了15楼阳台的栏杆。我摒住呼吸，等着人来救我。忽然有个神经病人乱踢我的手，终于，我失手掉进下面的一堆纸箱。当我迷惑地睁开眼睛，却看到一个冰箱正朝着我的头砸来……”
圣彼得说：“哎哟……够惨的。下一个？”
第三个最后说：“唉，当时我正躲在冰箱里，突然……”书包 网 。 想看书来
花样年华 第五章（4）
Who Had the Most Tragic Death
Three stood by the golden gate and St。 Peter said； “Sorry； we’re all filled up； so only one of you can e into heaven。 So； out of you three； the one who had the most tragic death of all may enter the heaven。”
The first man spoke； “Well； I am a newlywed and I tend to get jealous of my wife and her male friends； so I forbid her to see any of them when I was at work。 But today I came home early and saw two wine glasses on the coffee table and when I asked my wife what was going on； she blushed and was silent。 I searched the entire house for her male friend and finally I spotted someone’s hands grasping the railing on our balcony。 In a fit of rage I stomped on the hands until the rascal fell 15 stories down into the bin below。 When I realized he was still alive； I unhooked my fridge and throw it over the railing。 In the process of doing this； I had a heart attack。”
St。 Peter replied； “Wow； that’s too bad。 Next？”
The second man began to speak；“I am a window washer and I was minding my own business and washing the seventeenth story windows at an apartment when my safety rope snapped and I began to fall。 I reached out and in a stroke of luck； grabbed on to a balcony railing on the fifteenth。 I was trying to catch my breath and wait it for someone to rescue me when some lunatic started to stomp on my hands until I lost my grip and fell into the bin below。 I opened my eyes in disbelief only to see a fridge e crashing down onto my head。”
St。 Peter replied：“My； my。。。 that is bad。 Next？”
The third man spoke last； “Well； I was hiding in the fridge when。。。”
冰上钓鱼
一个酒鬼想在冰上垂钓，因此，他整理好钓鱼用具后，便四处去寻找钓鱼场所。最终，他发现了一大块冰，就跑到冰的中心开始锯洞。
这时，突然从天空中传来一个急速扩大的声音。“你是不会在冰的下面找到鱼的。”
这个酒鬼朝周围看了看，可是没有一个人影。他又继续锯了起来。那个说话人的声音再次响了起来：“我已经说过了，冰的下面没有鱼。”
那个酒鬼又向四周从高处到低处看了半天，可还是什么也没有看见。他又拿起锯继续往下锯。
他刚要锯冰面的时候，那个巨大的声音喝止他说：“现在，我第三次警告你，这下面没有鱼！”
酒鬼顿时有些惊慌失措，甚至恐惧起来，于是他问那个声音：“你是如何知道这下面没有鱼的？上帝呀，难道是你在警告我吗？”
“不是，”那个声音回答他，“我是冰球场的经理。”
Ice Fishing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing； so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice。 He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole。
All of a sudden； a loud booming voice es out of the sky。 “You will find no fish under that ice。”
The drunk looks around； but sees no one。 He starts sawing again。 Once more； the voice speaks； “as I said before； there are no fish under the ice。”
The drunk looks all around； high and low； but can’t see a single soul。 He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish。
Before he can even start cutting； the huge voice interrupts。“I have warned you three times now。 There are no fish！”
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared； so he asks the voice； “how do you know there are no fish？ Are you God trying to warn me？”
“No；” the voice replied。 “I am the manager of this hockey rink。”
。 最好的txt下载网
花样年华 第六章（1）
一个坏印象
在一列火车上，有6个乘客刚好坐在同一个包厢内。有5个人很安静，举止优雅。唯独第6个年轻人态度十分粗鲁，给其他旅客带来了许多麻烦。
这个年轻人拖着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。没有一个人帮助他，直到他走得很远了，一个人才打开窗户，冲着他大喊道：“你把什么东西留在包厢里了！”然后又关上了窗户。
年轻人拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，转过身，急匆匆地跑了回来。他筋疲力尽地跑到窗前，大喊道：“我把什么东西忘在车上了？”
当火车再次发动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户，说道：“一个极坏的印象！”
A Bad Impression
Six people were traveling in a partment on a train。 Five of them were quiet and well behaved； but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers。
At last this young mall got out at a station with his two heavy bags。 None of the other passengers helped him； but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away； and then opened the window and shouted to him； “you left something behind in the partment！” then he closed the window again。
The young man turned around and hurried back with his two bags。 He was very tired when he arrived； but he shouted through the window； “what did I leave behind？”
As the train began to move again； the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said； “a very bad impression！”
不同的听众
阿尔·史密斯是个名人，他曾担任过纽约州的州长，出生在纽约市东部的一个穷苦家庭。他接受的教育不多，然而他工作努力，最终赢得了巨大成就。
有一天，他以州长的身份访问了辛辛监狱。辛辛监狱是美国最大的监狱之一。监狱长请史密斯对囚犯们说几句话。史密斯先生以前从来没有对犯人讲过话，他不知道如何开口。
最后，他终于开口说道：“我亲爱的公民们……”接着他想起一个人蹲监狱就不再是公民了。他再次开始：“我亲爱的囚犯们……”那听起来也不好，于是他说：“噢，不管怎样，今天在这里能见到你们这么多人，我真是太高兴了。”
A Different Kind of Audience
AI Smith was governor of New York State。 He was a famous man。 He was born very poor on the East Side of New York City。 He had little education。 He worked very hard and won great success。
One day； as governor； he was visiting the state prison at Sing…Sing。 Sing…Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States。 The head of the prison asked Mr。 Smith to say something to the prisoners。 Mr。 Smith had never spoken to this kind of audience before。 He did not know how to begin。
Finally； he said；“My fellow citizens。。。” Then he remembered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen。 He began again； “My fellow prisoners。。。” That did not sound right； so he said：“Well； anyway； I’m glad to see so many of you here today。”
妻管严
传说，古代有个国家的臣民都受妻子管制。国王很想驳斥这一传言。于是，他把全国的男人都召来，并警告说，要严惩任何不讲真话的人。然后，国王命令那些顺从妻子的男人站到大厅的左边。
结果，所有的男人都站到了左边，唯独一个小个子男人站到了右边。书 包 网 txt小说上传分享
花样年华 第六章（2）
“太好了，”国王说，“我们国家到底还是有一位真正的男子汉。你告诉这些软弱无能的笨蛋，为什么这么多人中只有你站在大厅的右边。”
“陛下，”那个男人尖声尖气地答道，“因为在出门之前，我老婆告诉我，不许扎堆。”
Henpecked Husbands
The ruler of all ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives。 He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely。 Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives’ directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall。
All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right。
“It’s good to see；” said the king；“that we have one real man in the kingdom。 Tell these chicken…hearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall。”
“Your Majesty；” came the reply in a squealing voice； “it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds。”
狂人马丁
很久以前，有一个名叫佛瑞德的人。他认为自己足够凶悍和强壮，因此决定独闯美国西�
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