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〃Nonsense。　Everybody　feels　that。〃
〃Sometimes　I　know　I'm　going　to　die。〃
〃You　won't。　You　can't。〃
〃But　what　if　I　should？〃
〃I　won't　let　you。〃
〃Give　it　to　me　quick。　Give　it　to　me！〃
Then　afterward；　〃I　won't　die。　I　won't　let　myself　die。〃
〃Of　course　you　won't。〃
〃You'll　stay　with　me？〃
〃Not　to　watch　it。〃
〃No；　just　to　be　there。〃
〃Sure。　I'll　be　there　all　the　time。〃
〃You're　so　good　to　me。　There；　give　it　to　me。　Give　me　some　more。　It's　not　working！〃
I　turned　the　dial　to　three　and　then　four。　I　wished　the　doctor　would　e　back。　I　was　afraid　of　the　numbers　above　two。
Finally　a　new　doctor　came　in　with　two　nurses　and　they　lifted　Catherine　onto　a　wheeled　stretcher　and　we　started　down　the　hall。　The　stretcher　went　rapidly　dOwn　the　hall　and　into　the　elevator　where　every　one　had　to　crowd　against　the　wall　to　make　room；　then　up；　then　an　open　door　and　out　of　the　elevator　and　down　the　hall　on　rubber　wheels　to　the　operating　room。　I　did　not　recognize　the　doctor　with　his　cap　and　mask　on。　There　was　another　doctor　and　more　nurses。
〃They've　got　to　give　me　something；〃　Catherine　said。　〃They've　got　to　give　me　something。　Oh　please；　doctor；　give　me　enough　to　do　some　good！〃
One　of　the　doctors　put　a　mask　over　her　face　and　I　looked　through　the　door　and　saw　the　bright　small　amphitheatre　of　the　operating　room。
〃You　can　go　in　the　other　door　and　sit　up　there；〃　a　nurse　said　to　me。　There　were　benches　behind　a　rail　that　looked　down　on　the　white　table　and　the　lights。　I　looked　at　Catherine。　The　mask　was　over　her　face　and　she　was　quiet　now。　They　wheeled　the　stretcher　forward。　I　turned　away　and　walked　down　the　hall。　Two　nurses　were　hurrying　toward　the　entrance　to　the　gallery。
〃It's　a　Caesarean；〃　one　said。　〃They're　going　to　do　a　Caesarean。〃
The　other　one　laughed；　〃We're　just　in　time。　Aren't　we　lucky？〃　They　went　in　the　door　that　led　to　the　gallery。
Another　nurse　came　along。　She　was　hurrying　too。
〃You　go　right　in　there。　Go　right　in；〃　she　said。
〃I'm　staying　outside。〃
She　hurried　in。　I　walked　up　and　down　the　hall。　I　was　afraid　to　go　in。　I　looked　out　the　window。　It　was　dark　but　in　the　light　from　the　window　I　could　see　it　was　raining。　I　went　into　a　room　at　the　far　end　of　the　hall　and　looked　at　the　labels　on　bottles　in　a　glass　case。　Then　I　came　out　and　stood　in　the　empty　hall　and　watched　the　door　of　the　operating　room。
A　doctor　came　out　followed　by　a　nurse。　He　held　something　in　his　two　hands　that　looked　like　a　freshly　skinned　rabbit　and　hurried　across　the　corridor　with　it　and　in　through　another　door。　I　went　down　to　the　door　he　had　gone　into　and　found　them　in　the　room　doing　things　to　a　new…born　child。　The　doctor　held　him　up　for　me　to　see。　He　held　him　by　the　heels　and　slapped　him。
〃Is　he　all　right？〃
〃He's　magnificent。　He'll　weigh　five　kilos。〃
I　had　no　feeling　for　him。　He　did　not　seem　to　have　anything　to　do　with　me。　I　felt　no　feeling　of　fatherhood。
〃Aren't　you　proud　of　your　son？〃　the　nurse　asked。　They　were　washing　him　and　wrapping　him　in　something。　I　saw　the　little　dark　face　and　dark　hand；　but　I　did　not　see　him　move　or　hear　him　cry。　The　doctor　was　doing　something　to　him　again。　He　looked　upset。
〃No；〃　I　said。　〃He　nearly　killed　his　mother。〃
〃It　isn't　the　little　darling's　fault。　Didn't　you　want　a　boy？〃
〃No；〃　I　said。　The　doctor　was　busy　with　him。　He　held　him　up　by　the　feet　and　slapped　him。　I　did　not　wait　to　see　it。　I　went　out　in　the　hail。　I　could　go　in　now　and　see。　I　went　in　the　door　and　a　little　way　down　the　gallery。　The　nurses　who　were　sitting　at　the　rail　motioned　for　me　to　e　down　where　they　were。　I　shook　my　head。　I　could　see　enough　where　I　was。
I　thought　Catherine　was　dead。　She　looked　dead。　Her　face　was　gray；　the　part　of　it　that　I　could　see。　Down　below；　under　the　light；　the　doctor　was　sewing　up　the　great　long；　forcep…spread；　thickedged；　wound。　Another　doctor　in　a　mask　gave　the　anaesthetic。　Two　nurses　in　masks　handed　things。　It　looked　like　a　drawing　of　the　Inquisition。　I　knew　as　I　watched　I　could　have　watched　it　all；　but　I　was　glad　I　hadn't。　I　do　not　think　I　could　have　watched　them　cut；　but　I　watched　the　wound　closed　into　a　high　welted　ridge　with　quick　skilful…looking　stitches　like　a　cobbler's；　and　was　glad。　When　the　wound　was　closed　I　went　out　into　the　hall　and　walked　up　and　down　again。　After　a　while　the　doctor　came　out。
〃How　is　she？〃
〃She　is　all　right。　Did　you　watch？〃
He　looked　tired。
〃I　saw　you　sew　up。　The　incision　looked　very　long。〃
〃You　thought　so？〃
〃Yes。　Will　that　scar　flatten　out？〃
〃Oh；　yes。〃
After　a　while　they　brought　out　the　wheeled　stretcher　and　took　it　very　rapidly　down　the　hallway　to　the　elevator。　I　went　along　beside　it。　Catherine　was　moaning。　Downstairs　they　put　her　in　the　bed　in　her　room。　I　sat　in　a　chair　at　the　foot　of　the　bed。　There　was　a　nurse　in　the　room。　I　got　up　and　stood　by　the　bed。　It　was　dark　in　the　room。　Catherine　put　out　her　hand。　〃Hello；　darling；〃　she　said。　Her　voice　was　very　weak　and　tired。
〃Hello；　you　sweet。〃
〃What　sort　of　baby　was　it？〃
〃Sh……don't　talk；〃　the　nurse　said。
〃A　boy。　He's　long　and　wide　and　dark。〃
〃Is　he　all　right？〃
〃Yes；〃　I　said。　〃He's　fine。〃
I　saw　the　nurse　look　at　me　strangely。
〃I'm　awfully　tired；〃　Catherine　said。　〃And　I　hurt　like　hell。　Are　you　all　right；　darling？〃
〃I'm　fine。　Don't　talk。〃
〃You　were　lovely　to　me。　Oh；　darling；　I　hurt　dreadfully。　What　does　he　look　like？〃
〃He　looks　like　a　skinned　rabbit　with　a　puckered…up　old…man's　face。〃
〃You　must　go　out；〃　the　nurse　said。　〃Madame　Henry　must　not　talk。〃
〃I'll　be　outside。〃
〃Go　and　get　something　to　eat。〃
〃No。　I'll　be　outside。〃　I　kissed　Catherine。　She　was　very　gray　and　weak　and　tired。
〃May　I　speak　to　you？〃　I　said　to　the　nurse。　She　came　out　in　the　hall　with　me。　I　walked　a　little　way　down　the　hall。
〃What's　the　matter　with　the　baby？〃　I　asked。
〃Didn't　you　know？〃
〃No。〃
〃He　wasn't　alive。〃
〃He　was　dead？〃
〃They　couldn't　start　him　breathing。　The　cord　was　caught　around　his　neck　or　something。〃
〃So　he's　dead。〃
〃Yes。　It's　such　a　shame。　He　was　such　a　fine　big　boy。　I　thought　you　knew。〃
〃No；〃　I　said。　〃You　better　go　back　in　with　Madame。〃
I　sat　down　on　the　chair　in　front　of　a　table　where　there　were　nurses'　reports　hung　on　clips　at　the　side　and　looked　out　of　the　window。　I　could　see　nothing　but　the　dark　and　the　rain　falling　across　the　light　from　the　window。　So　that　was　it。　The　baby　was　dead。　That　was　why　the　doctor　looked　so　tired。　But　why　had　they　acted　the　way　they　did　in　the　room　with　him？　They　supposed　he　would　e　around　and　start　breathing　probably。　I　had　no　religion　but　I　knew　he　ought　to　have　been　baptized。　But　what　if　he　never　breathed　at　all。　He　hadn't。　He　had　never　been　alive。　Except　in　Catherine。　I'd　felt　him　kick　there　often　enough。　But　I　hadn't　for　a　week。　Maybe　he　was　choked　all　the　time。　Poor　little　kid。　I　wished　the　hell　I'd　been　choked　like　that。　No　I　didn't。　Still　there　would　not　be　all　this　dying　to　go　through。　Now　Catherine　would　die。　That　was　what　you　did。　You　died。　You　did　not　know　what　it　was　about。　You　never　had　time　to　learn。　They　threw　you　in　and　told　you　the　rules　and　the　first　time　they　caught　you　off　base　they　killed　you。　Or　they　killed　you　gratuitously　like　Aymo。　Or　gave　you　the　syphilis　like　Rinaldi。　But　they　killed　you　in　the　end。　You　could　count　on　that。　Stay　around　and　they　would　kill　you。
Once　in　camp　I　put　a　log　on　top　of　the　fire　and　it　was　full　of　ants。　As　it　menced　to　burn；　the　ants　swarmed　out　and　went　first　toward　the　centre　where　the　fire　was；　then　turned　back　and　ran　toward　the　end。　When　there　were　enough　on　the　end　they　fell　off　into　the　fire。　Some　got　out；　their　bodies　burnt　and　flattened；　and　went　off　not　knowing　where　they　were　going。　But　most　of　them　went　toward　the　fire　and　then　back　toward　the　end　and　swarmed　on　the　cool　end　and　finally　fell　off　into　the　fire。　I　remember　thinking　at　the　time　that　it　was　the　end　of　the　world　and　a　splendid　chance　to　be　a　messiah　and　lift　the　log　off　the　fire　and　throw　it　out　where　the　ants　could　get　off　onto　the　ground。　But　I　did　not　do　anything　but　throw　a　tin　cup　of　water　on　the　log；　so　that　I　would　have　the　cup　empty　to　put　whiskey　in　before　I　added　water　to　it。　I　think　the　cup　of　water　on　the　burning　log　only　steamed　the　ants。
So　now　I　sat　out　in　the　hall　and　waited　to　hear　how　Catherine　was。　The　nurse　did　not　e　out；　so　after　a　while　I　went　to　the　door　and　opened　it　very　softly　and　looked　in。　I　could　not　see　at　first　because　there　was　a　bright　light　in　the　hall　and　it　was　dark　in　the　room。　Then　I　saw　the　nurse　sitting　by　the　bed　and　Catherine's　head　on　a　pillow；　and　she　was　all　flat　under　the　sheet。　The　nurse　put　her　finger　to　her　lips；　then　stood　up　and　came　to　the　door。
〃How　is　she？〃　I　asked。
〃She's　all　right；〃　the　nurse　said。　〃You　should　go　and　have　your　supper　and　then　e　back　if　you　wish。〃
I　went　down　the　hall　and　then　down　the　stairs　and　out　the　door　of　the　hospital　and　down　the　dark　street　in　the　rain　to　the　caf？　It　was　brightly　lighted　inside　and　there　were　many　people　at　the　tables。　I　did　not　see　a　place　to　sit；　and　a　waiter　came　up　to　me　and　took　my　wet　coat　and　hat　and　showed　me　a　place　at　a　table　across　from　an　elderly　man　who　was　drinking　beer　and　reading　the　evening　paper。　I　sat　down　and　asked　the　waiter　what　the　plat　du　jour　was。
〃Veal　stew……but　it　is　finished。〃
〃What　can　I　have　to　eat？〃
〃Ham　and　eggs；　eggs　with　cheese；　or　choucroute。〃
〃I　had　choucroute　this　noon；〃　I　said。
〃That's　true；〃　he　said。　〃That's　true。　You　ate　choucroute　this　noon。〃　He　was　a　middle…aged　man　with　a　bald　top　to　his　head　and　his　hair　slicked　over　it。　He　had　a　kind　face。
〃What　do　you　want？　Ham　and　eggs　or　eggs　with　cheese？〃
〃Ham　and　eggs；〃　I　said；　〃and　beer。〃
〃A　demi…blonde？〃
〃Yes；〃　I　said。
〃I　remembered；〃　he　said。　〃You　took　a　demi…blonde　this　noon。〃
I　ate　the　ham　and　eggs　and　drank　the　beer。　The　ham　and　eggs　were　in　a　round　dish……the　ham　underneath　and　the　eggs　on　top。　It　was　very　hot　and　at　the　first　mouthful　I　had　to　take　a　drink　of　beer　to　cool　my　mouth。　I　was　hungry　and　I　asked　the　waiter　for　another　order。　I　drank　several　glasses　of　beer。　I　was　not　thinking　at　all　but　read　the　paper　of　the　man　opposite　me。　It　was　about　the　break　through　on　the　British　front。　When　he　realized　I　was　reading　the　back　of　his　paper　he　folded　it　over。　I　thought　of　asking　the　waiter　for　a　paper；　but　I　could　not　concentrate。　It　was　hot　in　the　caf？and　the　air　was　bad。　Many　of　the　people　at　the　tables　knew　one　another。　There　were　several　card　games　going　on。　The　waiters　were　busy　bringing　drinks　from　the　bar　to　the　tables。　Two　men　came　in　and　could　find　no　place　to　sit。　They　stood　opposite　the　table　where　I　was。　I　ordered　another　beer。　I　was　not　ready　to　leave　yet。　It　was　too　soon　to　go　back　to　the　hospital。　I　tried　not　to　think　and　to　be　perfectly　calm。　The　men　stood　around　but　no　one　was　leaving；　so　they　went　out。　I　drank　another　beer。　There　was　quite　a　pile　of　saucers　now　on　the　table　in　front　of　me。　The　man　opposite　me　had　taken　off　his　spectacles；　put　them　away　in　a　case；　folded　his　paper　and　put　it　in　his　pocket　and　now　sat　holding　his　liqueur　glass　and　looking　out　at　the　room。　Suddenly　I　knew　I　had　to　get　back。　I　called　the　waiter；　paid　the　reckoning；　got　into　my　coat；　put　on　my　hat　and　started　out　the　door。　I　walked　through　the　rain　up　to　the　hospital。
Upstairs　I　met　the　nurse　ing　down　the　hall。
〃I　just　called　you　at　the　hotel；〃　she　said。　Something　dropped　inside　me。
〃What　is　wrong？〃
〃Mrs。　Henry　has　had　a　hemorrhage。〃
〃Can　I　go　in？〃
〃No；　not　yet。　The　doctor　is　with　her。〃
〃Is　it　dangerous？〃
〃It　is　very　dangerous。〃　The　nurse　went　into　the　room　and　shut　the　door。　I　sat　outside　in　the　hail。　Everything　was　gone　inside　of　me。　I　did　not　think。　I　could　not　think。　I　knew　she　was　going　to　die　and　I　prayed　that　she　would　not。　Don't　let　her　die。　Oh；　God；　please　don't　let　her　die。　I'll　do　anything　for　you　if　you　won't　let　her　die。　Please；　please；　please；　dear　God；　don't　let　her　die。　Dear　God；　don't　let　her　die。　Please；　please；　please　don't　let　her　die。　God　please　make　her　not　die。　I'll　do　anything　you　say　if　you　don't　let　her　die。　You　took　the　baby　but　don't　let　her　die。　That　was　all　right　but　don't　let　her　die。　Please；　please；　dear　God；　don't　let　her　die。
The　nurse　opened　the　door　and　motioned　with　her　finger　for　me　to　e。　I　followed　her　into　the　room。　Catherine　did　not　look　up　when　I　came　in。　I　went　over　to　the　side　of　the　bed。　The