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repeat　every　fifteen　minutes　until　symptoms　subside。　

Happy　Graduation！　See　you　at　the　party　afterwards！　

You　know　you　love　me。　

　gossip　girl　

Pomp　and　circumstance　

Outside　Brick　Church　on　Park　Avenue　and　Ninety…second　Street；　a　throng　of　black　town　cars　
released　women　in　Chanel　couture　and　men　and　boys　in　Ralph　Lauren　Purple　Label　into　the　
church　to　watch　their　daughters　and　sisters　graduate　in　Constance　Billard？s　mencement　
exercises。　It　was　a　balmy　June　morning；　and　a　pleasant　breeze　rustled　the　crab　apple　trees　
bordering　the　sidewalk；　scattering　petals　and　pretty　green　leaves　onto　the　avenue。　The　lovely　
redbrick　church　with　its　sturdy　white　columns　and　creeping；　well…tended　green　ivy　looked　like　
something　out　of　a　picture　book。　In　fact；　today　the　entire　Upper　East　Side　seemed　picturesque　and　
soaked　in　sun　and　apple　blossom　perfume；　for　today　was　graduation　day。　

　Hooray！　

Isabel？s　mom；　Titi　Coates；　craned　her　surgically　enhanced　neck　to　survey　the　well…dressed　
audience；　nearly　popping　the　buttons　on　her　hot…pink…and…gold　Versace　cap…sleeved　coat…dress。　？I　
heard　Harold　Waldorf　flew　in　from　Paris　with　his　flaming　French　boyfriend　to　see　Blair　graduate　


today；？　she　whispered　to　Lillian　van　der　Woodsen；　who　was　seated　in　the　dark　mahogany　pew　next　
to　her。　？He　even　had　a　red　convertible　Peugeot　sent　over　in　parts；　with　a　special　French　mechanic　
to　assemble　it　for　her。？　

Mrs。　van　der　Woodsen　shook　her　head。　She　liked　gossip；　but　only　the　harmless　kind？about　
people？s　dogs　or　their　golf　game。　

Harmlessgossip？　What　would　be　the　point？　

？Harold　Waldorf　is　in　Bordeaux；　at　a　wine　auction；？　she　corrected　her　tackily　dressed　neighbor　in　
a　polite　whisper　as　she　smoothed　out　the　lilac…colored　silk　calf…length　skirt　of　her　
simple…but…gorgeous　Yves　Saint　Laurent　suit。　？I　know　for　a　fact　because　a　dear　friend　of　mine　is　
bidding　on　a　few　bottles　of　Burgundy　for　us　there。　However；　I　know　nothing　about　the　car。？　

Around　the　corner；　in　one　of　the　church？s　outer　chambers；　the　seniors　lined　up　in　size　order；　
giddily　awaiting　the　first　few　chords　of　？Pomp　and　Circumstance。？　Kati　Farkas　and　Isabel　Coates　
were　the　shortest　ones；　in　matching　white　Ferragamo　flats　and　matching　Carolina　Herrera　Mexican　
bridesmaid？style　dresses　with　lace　bows　in　the　back　and　little　white　pom…poms　hanging　from　the　
elbow…length　sleeves。　Desperate　to　be　next　to　each　other　in　line；　they？d　done　a　survey　of　all　the　
girls　in　their　class；　asking　what　size　heel　they　planned　to　wear　for　graduation。　Even　
Doc…Marten…boots…wearing　Vanessa　had　said　she？d　be　wearing　platforms；　so　flats　were　their　best　
option。　How　cool　was　it　that　not　only　were　they　together　in　line；　wearing　matching　outfits？they　
werefirst　！　

　Yippee！　

In　her　two…and…a…half…inch　white　kidskin　Manolo　dancing　shoes；　Blair　was　somewhere　in　the　
middle。　Her　white　satin　Oscar　de　la　Renta　suit　had　been　flawlessly　tailored；　the　jacket　nipping　in　
around　her　tiny　waist　and　accentuating　her　excellent　shoulders。　None　of　the　other　girls　had　been　
creative　or　fashion…forward　enough　to　even　think　of　wearing　a　suit；　let　alone　the　shimmery　coral　
pink　Chanel　lipstick　she？d　bought　especially　for　the　day　or　the　simple　pearls　she？d　chosen　for　her　
ears。　She？d　memorized　her　speech　and　kept　reciting　it　over　and　over　in　her　head；　bouncing　on　the　
balls　of　her　feet　to　keep　her　circulation　going　and　her　adrenaline　level　high。　

Thank　you　for　ing；　ladies　and　gentlemen。　And　thank　you　to　the　senior　class　for　electing　me　
as　its　speaker。　You　know；　some　of　us　girls　have　been　together　since　kindergarten。　We　learned　to　
read　together。　We　lost　our　baby　teeth　together。　We　learned　how　to　get　the　most　Oreos　at　recess　
together。　And　as　the　years　went　by；　we　learned　not　to　crack　under　pressure　together。　Now　here　we　
are；　college…bound；　and　we？re　all　still　friends。　How　could　we　not　be？　

There？s　something　else　I　learned　at　Constance　that　I　wanted　to　share　with　you　today：　how　to　get　
what　you　want。　？　

？Has　anyone　seen　Serena？？　Nicki　Button　asked　loudly　as　she　examined　her　beady　brown　eyes　in　


a　pact　and　tugged　on　her　sweet；　drop…waist；　flapper…style　graduation　dress。　？Can　you　believe　I　
bought　this　at　achildren？s　vintage　clothing　boutique？？　she　asked　for　the　tenth　time　so　everyone　
could　remark　on　how　tiny　and　skinny　she　was。　

？And　what　about　Vanessa？？　Laura　Salmon　added；　sucking　in　her　breath　as　she　tried　to　tighten　the　
semi…inappropriate　lace…up　bodice　on　her　corset…style　Alexander　McQueen　dress。　

？You？d　think　they　could　try　not　to　be　late　just　this　once；？　Rain　Hoffstetter　put　in；　helping　Laura　
with　her　laces　and　trying　not　to　bang　into　anyone　in　her　inexplicably　pouffy　Christian　Lacroix　
number。　

Blair　looked　around。　She？d　been　so　preoccupied　with　going　over　her　speech；　she　hadn？t　even　
noticed：　Vanessa　and　Serena　were　missing。

　Hello？　

？It？s　nearly　ten…thirty；？　Mrs。　McLean　announced　urgently；　clapping　her　meaty；　freckled　hands　
together　to　call　the　girls　to　order。　？We？ll　just　have　to　start　without　them。？　

Blair　spun　her　ruby　ring　around　and　around　on　the　ring　finger　of　her　left　hand。　Serena　and　
Vanessa　were　going　tomiss　graduation？！　But　they？d　miss　her　speech；　and　anyway；where　the　fuck　
were　they？？！！　

Mrs。　Weeds；　Constance？s　frizzy…haired　hippie　music　teacher；　banged　out　a　few　chords　on　the　
organ；　her　fat　shoulder　blades　jiggling　in　a　strapless　Laura　Ashley　number。　？All　right；　girls；　this　is　
it！？　Mrs。　McLean　shouted　excitedly。　？Your　last　hurrah　as　Constance　girls。？　She　raised　her　freckled　
fist　in　the　air；　her　red；　white；　and　blue　Talbots　special…occasion　suit　wrinkling　with　the　
strain。　？Make　it　a　good　one！？　she　added；　looking　dykier　than　ever。　

？Ooh！？　the　audience　gasped　as　the　girls　began　to　march　into　the　main　hall　of　the　church　and　
down　the　lily…strewn　center　aisle　in　time　to　the　music；　looking　like　crosses　between　runway　
models　and　mail…order　brides。　

Eleanor　Waldorf　Rose　sat　between　her　husband　of　less　than　one　year；　Cyrus　Rose；　and　Blair？s　
twelve…year…old　brother；　Tyler。　Eleanor　was　the　only　woman　in　the　room　wearing　a　wide…brimmed　
dove　gray　Philip　Treacy　hat　with　actual　dove　feathers　in　it。　

Exactly　where　did　she　think　she　was？England？　

Cyrus　Rose　was　wearing　a　remarkably　ugly　avocado…colored　double…breasted　Hugo　Boss　suit　and　
was　jiggling　Yale；　Blair？s　six…week…old　baby　sister；　on　his　knee。　Yale　had　on　the　Burberry　kilt　
Blair　had　bought　for　her　even　before　she　was　born　and　a　white　eyelet　onesie　that　Blair　had　ordered　
from　Oeuf；　a　baby　boutique　in　Paris。　Tyler　looked　hungover。　Or　maybe　Blair　just　hadn？t　seen　him　
in　so　long；　she？d　forgotten　what　he　looked　like　even　though　he　was　her　brother。　And　Aaron　


appeared　to　be　missing。　

　Wonder　why。　

When　Blair　reached　their　pew；　Eleanor　leapt　to　her　feet　and　blew　her　a　kiss；　snapping　away　with　
her　baby　pink　Nokia　camera…phone　while　tears　oozed　down　her　overly　rouged　cheeks。　？We？re　so　
proud　of　you；？　she　gushed　in　a　voice　that　was　definitely　louder　than　a　whisper。　

Farther　down　the　aisle　Mrs。　van　der　Woodsen　caught　Blair？s　eye　and　beamed　at　her　proudly；　as　if　
Blair　were　her　own　daughter。　Blair　shrugged　her　shoulders　apologetically；　although　she　was　pretty　
sure　Serena？s　mom　hadn？t　quite　realized　that　Serena　was　missing。　Poor　Mr。　and　Mrs。　van　der　
Woodsen。　Even　Erik；　Serena？s　hot　junior…at…Brown　brother　whom　Blair　had　almost　lost　her　
virginity　to　over　spring　break；　was　there。　

Blair　had　never　met　Vanessa？s　parents；　but　Vanessa　had　described　them　to　her　pretty　well；　and　
she　didn？t　see　any　gray…haired；　inappropriately　dressed　hippies　in　the　audience。　She　decided　to　
keep　her　eyes　on　the　chestnut　brown　ponytail　of　the　girl　in　front　of　her　in　line；　who　happened　to　be　
Rain　Hoffstetter；　whom　she　happened　to　kind　of　hate。　All　Blair　had　to　do　was　make　her　speech；　
which　she？d　memorized　so　thoroughly；　she　could　recite　it　in　her　sleep；　and　then　get　her　diploma。　
Then　she　was　going　to　have　the　best　graduation　party　anyone　had　ever　been　to；　have　sex　with　
Marcus；　take　a　carriage　ride　in　Central　Park；　and　then　he？d　ask　her　to　marry　him。　？　Her　eyes　
misted　over　dreamily　and　she　stepped　on　the　back　of　Rain？s　puffy　white　dress；　nearly　knocking　
her　over。　

　Focus；　focus！　

One　by　one　the　girls　filed　in　and　seated　themselves　in　the　first　three　rows　of　pews。　Thirty…four　
seniors　in　total；　not　counting　the　missing　two。　Mrs。　McLean　stood　at　the　pulpit；　waiting　to　address　
the　outgoing　class　and　their　families。　Blair　would　give　her　speech　directly　afterwards；　and　then　the　
guest　speaker；　？Auntie　Lynn；？　some　old　lady　who？d　basically　founded　the　Girl　Scouts　or　
something；　was　supposed　to　talk。　Auntie　Lynn　was　already　leaning　on　her　metal　walker　in　the　front　
row；　wearing　a　poo…brown　pantsuit　and　hearing　aids　in　both　ears；　looking　sleepy　and　bored。　After　
she　spoke？or　keeled　over　and　died；　whichever　came　first？Mrs。　McLean　would　hand　out　the　
diplomas。　

Mrs。　Weeds　crashed　through　the　last　few　chords　of　？Pomp　and　Circumstance。？　？Let　us　pray；？　
Mrs。　McLean　directed　somberly　and　bowed　her　head。　The　headmistress　had　bee　deeply　
religious　after　her　husband；　Randall；　had　died　in　a　deep…sea　fishing　accident　in　the　Florida　Keys。　
At　least；　that　was　the　story　the　girls　told；　along　with　the　one　about　Mrs。　McLean？s　girlfriend；　
Vonda；　who　lived　in　Mrs。　McLean？s　country　house　up　in　Woodstock；　New　York；　and　drove　a　
tractor。　Mrs。　McLean　had　the　wordsRide　me；　Vonda　tattooed　on　her　inner　thigh。　There　was　even　a　
rumor　that　Vonda　used　tobe　Randall；　but　none　of　the　girls　knew　for　sure。　

？I　heard　Serena　and　Nate　eloped　to　Mustique。　That？s　why　she？s　not　here；？　Rain　whispered　to　


Laura。　？She？s　wearing　her　graduation　dress　as　a　wedding　dress。　Remember　how　we　saw　her　trying　
on　that　veil　in　Vera　Wang？？　she　added　knowingly。　

？And　I　heard　Vanessa　is　pregnant；？　Laura　replied。　？She？s　up　in　Vermont　with　her　parents；　dealing。　
I　guess　she？ll　probably　still　get　her　diploma　anyway。？　

Blair　tried　unsuccessfully　not　to　listen；　but　of　course　she　was　dying　to　know　where　Serena　and　
Vanessa　were　herself。　Had　Vanessa　gone　off　somewhere　with　Aaron？　Or　Dan？　Had　Serena　and　
Natereally　eloped？　It　was　such　a　crazy　day　and　such　a　crazy　time　in　their　lives；　she　wasn？t　sure　
what　to　believe。　

？And　now；　I？m　delighted　to　introduce　Blair　Waldorf；　our　senior　class　speaker；？　Mrs。　McLean　
announced。　With　a　bob　of　her　Raggedy　Ann　auburn　head；　she　stepped　away　from　the　podium　to　
make　way　for　Blair。　Blair　stood　up；　smoothed　out　her　swishy；　pleated　white　satin　Oscar　de　la　
Renta　skirt；　and　climbed　daintily　over　the　pointy　white…shoe…clad　feet　of　her　classmates；　growing　
steadily　more　and　more　enraged　as　she　overheard　snatches　of　their　whispers　and　mutterings。　

？Serena　is　so　totally　not　going　to　Yale　next　year。？　

？Vanessa　is　in　L。A。　Didn？t　you　hear？　She？s　making　a　movie　with　Brad　Pitt。？　

Blair　mounted　the　steps　to　the　podium？a　vision　of　perfection　with　her　Oscar…tailored　satin　suit；　
her　smooth　and　shiny　dark　bob；　her　long…lashed　bright　blue　eyes；　her　glittering　coral…colored　
mouth；　and　her　exquisite　white　shoes。　She　cleared　her　throat；　trying　to　tear　everyone？s　attention　
away　from　the　subject　of　the　two　missing　girls。　

？Thank　you；？　she　began。　？First；　I？d　like　to　congratulate　my　class。　We　made　it！？　she　cried　with　
exaggerated　glee。　But　none　of　her　fucking　classmates　were　even　looking　at　her。　

Who　cares？　Who　cares？　Who　cares？She　was　graduating　today；　she　had　an　amazing　new　
boyfriend　who　just　happened　to　be　an　English　lord；　and　in　the　fall　she　was　off　to　Yale。　That　was　all　
that　mattered；　she　told　herself　as　she　continued　her　speech。　And　that　she　looked　seriously　hot　in　
her　sleek　Oscar　de　la　Renta　suit　while　all　the　other　girls　looked　like　Little　Bo　Beep　in　their　frilly　
white　dresses。　

？Now　here　we　are；　college…bound；　and　we？re　all　still　friends；？　Blair　declared　determinedly。　

Sure　they　are。　

oh；　the　places　you？ll　go！？not　


Daaah；　dee…dee…dee；　daaah；　daaah　？　

St。　Jude？s　didn？t　bother　renting　out　a　church　or　lining　their　boys　up　in　size　order。　They　just　held　a　
small；　solemn　ceremony　in　the　school？s　rooftop　gym；　wished　the　boys　well；　and　then　sent　them　on　
their　way。　The　usually　cavernous…looking　gym　se